A Modest Proposal for Comprehensive Traditional Marriage™ Reform.

Behind all the furor over gay marriage, there seems to be the underlying belief by fundamentalists, and the preachers and pundits of the Religious Right, that the purpose of marriage is this: To be a method of funneling men and women together into a government-backed monogamous, lifetime child-production alliance. They also contend that Traditional Marriage™ is in a weakened state and needs to be protected and propped up by the government, since the future of society, our country, and indeed perhaps civilization itself could be threatened if gay marriage becomes a legally-recognized union. Traditional marriage does seem to be in trouble, and in light of this, I would like to present a solution which addresses all the important root causes. If you are a literal-minded Christian, please stop reading immediately, get a dictionary, and look up the word ‘satire’ before proceeding.

A Modest Proposal for Comprehensive Traditional Marriage™ Reform.

First, let us address fornication and out-of-wedlock childbirth. We need stiff and serious penalties. The offenders could be offered the option to sign the contract and marry, or face life imprisonment, or (in Texas and certain other states), execution. Water-boarding may provide helpful in persuading reluctant fornicators to do the right thing.

Secondly, no gays, sterile heterosexuals, or adults past childbearing age shall be allowed to marry. If they can’t make babies, what use are they? God commanded the first couple – Adam and Eve – to be fruitful and multiply, and that command still stands.

Thirdly, all potential child-producers shall undergo extensive psychological screening to ensure they will be good parents and raise properly-socialized members of society. Freethinkers, atheists, agnostics, and other undesirables can be weeded out early in the process.

Fourthly, all prospective breeders shall sign a contract agreeing to lifelong, monogamous marriage. Penalties for breaking this contract may include life imprisonment or execution. (Hey, if we want them to value traditional marriage, we need to make the stakes high). Expect some resistance on this from Evangelical Christians, who have a higher divorce rate than the national average.

Fifthly, after meeting all the above criteria, the potential couple shall sign a contract agreeing to bear and raise the approved number of children (as determined by Federal, State, and Local guidelines), and to indoctrinate them in the Christian faith (Because ‘Merica is a Christian nation, dammit!)

Sixthly (and most important), each member of the proposed marital alliance shall take an oath that they will not produce any homosexual children (straight couples being the single largest producers of gay offspring). The creation of gay children will incur severe penalties.

Well Christian marriage defenders - any takers?

You’ll notice that the proposed measures do exclude gay marriage. The only kicker is that they also address all the heterosexual threats to Traditional Marriage™ also. It’s a package deal – all or nothing.

Or, dear religious friend, you could simply choose to live out the marital values that you and your faith community profess, demonstrating the value thereof, while allowing others to live by the freedoms of choice that our democratic society offers.

If Christian heterosexuals are worried about the erosion of Traditional Marriage™ perhaps they should take a long, hard look in the mirror and deal with what they see there.

Written by J. M. Green

See also: Gay Marriage: The New Apocalypse?