TOP 16 WAYS TO GET A WOMAN/ WIFE ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

This list was sent to me by Ed Babinski:

1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13) [About the command that her nails be trimmed, you wouldn’t want her to scratch your eyes out, would you? "When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and they Lord thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou has taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldst have her to wife, Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare [trim] her nails." (Deut. 21:10,11,12)]

2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and have sex with her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)

3) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

7) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)

8) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)

9) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.--David (1 Sam. 18:27)

10) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)

11) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

12) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

13) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)--David (2 Sam. 11)

14) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!)--Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev., example in Ruth)

15) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

16) A wife?--Paul (1st Corinthians, chapter 7, see below)

It is good for a man not to touch a woman … For I would that all men were even as I myself… I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I… But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn… I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be… Are you loosed from a wife? seek not a wife… The time is short: it remains that they that have wives be as though they had none… He that is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit… that you may attend upon the Lord without distraction. - 1 Corinthians 7:1,7,8-9,26-27,29,32-35

32 comments:

Jon Hanson said...

Great stuff, this reminds me of Dwindling in Unbelief's post on the fathers in the bible. It's amazing how shitty almost everyone in the Bible is when you look at them objectively.

http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com/2006/06/who-is-best-father-in-bible.html

ljvillanueva said...

"Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain"
ROFL!! This one is my favorite! It it so absurd, how can people believe this?

Jon Hanson said...

ljvillanueva,
I don't know what's worse, that absurdity or the fact that most apologists have no problem saying Cain married one of his sisters.

More Christian relativism, God hates incest now but back then it was fine.

feeno said...

I think I've been robbed. Instead of 200 Philistine foreskins my damn father-in-law charged me 400 atheist foreskins. Hmm.... I guess to be fair, the atheist foreskins are much tinier.

late, feeno

Hendy said...

Oh, John. There you go again pulling things out of context and not adjusting for the cultural norms at the time... Obviously, these commands were the only way god could have gotten his message across to the Israelites at the time.

Love the list!

Reminds me of THIS.

Lvka said...

Daughters were given in marriage.

Regarding the Benjamites, they had the permission and advice of the young women's fathers to take them as wives. (The meeting itself, to which the girls were gathered, was precisley for such purposes, to find a spouse).

And I wasn't aware that the Bible encourages David's example; to my knowledge, it was a great sin, for which he deeply repented.

I also don't understand what you have against the ceremony of elevating a woman from the status of a slave to that of a free wife. She was completely cleaned and renewed [new hair, new clothes, new nails] from her old (and impure) appearence (dirty nails, lice, wretched clothes). -- Do you have a problem with that?

Lvka said...

I also don't understand what you have against making the rapist responsible for his actions either.

Queen Celestyna said...

I love that 2 of the bloodiest are about David, who was considered to be one of "God's favorites."

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Well, if you can’t get a wife; get a beast instead (But just don’t get caught)!

And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast. (Leviticus 20:15)

Erp said...

Actually the Benjaminites got wives in two ways.

First the other tribes figured out that the men of Jabesh Gilead had failed to show up so they killed all the men and all the non-virgin women and gave the virgin women to the Benjaminites (Judges 21)

Second was the seizure at Shiloh which was without the prior consent of the fathers (the hope was that the fathers would agree after the fact under item 2). Note it was very important not to have prior consent as all the men had sworn not to give their daughters to the men of Benjamin.

Louis said...

Oh, Hendy. Is God really so impotent that he has to cater to "cultural norms?" That's the only way he can get his messages across? Do you maintain that God lacked the ability or means to deliver a message to ancient Israel that decried the treatment of women as if they were property? Please elaborate on what the limiting factors were.

GirlAtheist said...

Lvka, really? Making the rapist responsible for his actions? He rapes an unbetrothed virgin (age range for the time period probably between ages 7 and 10), pays her father a few shekels, and then SHE HAS TO MARRY HIM.

Really, Lvka? You're a troll, right? Please tell me you're a troll.

Godlessons said...

I love it. You didn't mention having your wife giving you one of her maidservants though, such as in Genesis.

Marcus McElhaney said...

It sure is funny how prescriptions and descriptions are mixed up and the Bible being misrepresented. There is too much error to be discussed in a comments so I made detailed comments at http://mmcelhaney.blogspot.com/2010/07/rubutting-debunking-christianity-top-16.html

3g.nursing said...

Eh...how exactly was David punished for his acts of premeditated murder? Dis he stand trial? Did he go to jail?Did he even lose his throne? If he lost sons, then in reality others paid for his crime. And he was forbidden to build the temple he desired; no I am sure any murdere would be deterred by that.
As for making a prisoner of war your wife (after trimming her nails, of course) it sounds pretty much like indentured servitude to me. I mean, does the prisoner have an alternative?
Now regarding making a rapists reponsible for his actions, if that means he has to pay a fine and then he can have his victim for a wife, then yes, I do have a problem
with that.
Not that old testament has anything against rape in the abstract. Just look at the book of numbers:

31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. (31:17-18)
"Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."
31:18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Charles said...


But the people who literally believe in all of these irreconcilable paramount absurdities, would do some of the
most incredible mental juggling and
mental backflips in an attempt to
harmonize them away and justify them. To me is a matter of amazement that any intelligent individual would not see this conundrum exactly for what it is! If there be a god, the Bible is the worse of any mockery one could
make of him/her.

beowulf2k8 said...

You forgot about doing your father's concubines on the roof of the palace. 2dn Samuel 16:21-22.

Lvka said...

You're a troll, right? Please tell me you're a troll.

Everything's possible... :-)


On a more serious note: if he would've had any serious intentions, no-one would've stopped him from asking the girl's hand from her parents.


SHE HAS TO MARRY HIM.

It was either him or no-one else (since she was a victim of abuse, and no-one would've wanted to marry such a girl). He was forced by Law to take care of her for the rest of his or her life, on the threat of death by stoning. -- suited him right.

3g.nursing said...

It amazes me, the apologists never see how disgusting the book is that they are defending.
First, "It was either him or no-one else (since she was a victim of abuse, and no-one would've wanted to marry such a girl)." Fabulous, isn't it? That still happens to be the case in many backward Islamic nations-"if you are not a virgin no one will marry you". You have to give the bible credit for fostering that kind of culture. And being married to THE RAPIST is considered the better option! Glory halleluja.
Second, this is supposed to be "punishment" for rape? That you get to keep the woman FOR LIFE? And no prison time, right?
Thank you for being so clear on what divine "justice" means.

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Hi Girl Atheist,

Sadly Lvka in not a troll, he is even worst…a Greek Orthodox!

If you want a laugh, get Lvka to explain the some of the miracles of St. George and the flying dragon he killed.

When I think of Greek Orthodoxs such as Lvka, I’m reminded of the Gospel song whose refrain goes:

“Only believe, only believe. All things are possible. Only believe!”

Charles said...


These are just some of the many paramount nonsenses branded as
"Laws" found in the book we are
supposed to accept as a "moral guide." Yet, one can find in that/those book(s) many trivial laws such as the one, for example, in DEUTERONOMY 23:10 (about having a wet dream), which I found very difficult to believe they were given by a super-intelligent moral agent; while there are many other "moral laws" no one can deny they are barbaric and revolting that even the most devout Christian
would find difficult to defend.
In GENESIS 19, God proceeded, after some discussion with Abraham,
to completely destroy the city of S&G for "immoral conduct"; and we have to assume that that includes innocent toddles and suckling babes. So out of all those people the only man this God found righteous and morally sound to be spare was the same guy who offered
his two daughters up for what can easily be translated into "rape," and then later get f***ed by his two daughters and gets them impregnated. And many religionists
demmand we show reverence for this
loathing.
I have no problem with religions except when its proponents and supporters tout that book as the ultimate source of morality, and then question us, atheists, with unwarranted conceitness, where do we get our morality from. And some
even have the audacity to question
whether we have any morals at all!
If we have morality--and we do--what difference does it make where
do we get it from? One thing I can tell you with certainty is that it does not come from that book.

Jon Hanson said...

Charles,
Ever since I've deconverted I've thought the Bible's version of the story of Lot and his daughter's highly suspect. What's more likely, that two young girls would seduce their father after spending a short time without any non related men to impregnate them, or that the man who offered them up as play things to the towns rapists had his way with them and invented this story. To me the second choice would be the clear one if we weren't told that God says he's a righteous man.

Lvka said...

Second, this is supposed to be "punishment" for rape? That you get to keep the woman FOR LIFE?


Yes. (Why are you so "shocked" ?)

If the man would've actually wanted the woman in the first place, he would've asked her father for her hand. -- that he ended up being stuck to her for the rest of his life wasn't exactly his 'master-plan': he obviously wasn't 'thrilled' about it..



If you want a laugh, get Lvka to explain the some of the miracles of St. George and the flying dragon he killed.

I already did, Harry. :-) [And I didn't know the dragon could fly, but feel free to believe whatever you want].

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Hi Lvka,

Please attention to your Holy Iconic art. (Or do you think the dragon was like the large flightless Dodo bird?)

If the Greek Orthodox Church wanted to shame the Devil, they just might try telling the truth for a change (but then they wouldn’t be Greek Orthodox)!

Lvka said...

I've never seen an icon of St George depicting a flying dragon, but if you want to build upon the legend, be my guest.. :-)

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Lvka said...
I've never seen an icon of St George depicting a flying dragon…

RE: Well try Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_George_and_the_Dragon

Out of the eight HOLY icons pictured here, six show dragons with wings.

So why wings Lvka? Does this Greek Orthodox HOLY Icon teach the doctrine of HOLY Evolution? (After all, it is now believed dinosaurs were bird like animals.)

(Oh, wait! St. George most likely killed either:
A. An Ostrich
B. A Dodo Bird
C. A Penguin

These large dumb flightless birds would be on George’s level, plus the story would be at least believable; even for a Greek Orthodox!)

Charles said...


Jon Hanson,
Yes, I do agree, those two possibilities seem to be likely; although I'm more incline to accept
the second one you proposed as the
highly probable. Another god's chosen "righteous man"--Abraham--screwed his own sister Sarah. Lots
of kinky sex in that book, lol.

Lvka said...

Not even the icons who do depict the cute little dragon with small wings (and which seem to be Catholic Renaissance portraits, not Orthodox Byzantine icons) show him flying. :-)

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Hi Lvka,

It appears the Greek Orthodox got caught with their “pants down” in a lie about George and the dragon.
You can label it “tradition”, but a lie is still a lie even in the Divine Liturgy. The other miracles attributed to St. George too are lies also used to support Greek Orthodox religious propaganda. There is nothing in the Greek Orthodox Divine Liturgy that states the use of myths and lies are wrong, especially when convincing converts the Orthodox faith is correct (orthodox).

For the Greek Orthodox to claim St. George did all the miracles attributed to him and then do a 180 degree flip and claim the Mormon Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. did not do the miracles attributed to him is a double standard and the pot (Greek Orthodoxs) calling the kettle (Mormons) black.

Now that the Greek Orthodoxs are caught in a lie, just how much more of the Divine Liturgy is a lie too?

Lvka said...

Apropos "George" and "dragons":


When he returned, he saw the others trying to kill a snake at the entrance of the chapel. Evil had been conquered. Father George walked into the chapel, happy as a lark.

Edward T. Babinski said...

Marcus McElhaney said... Rebutting Debunking Christianity: TOP 16 WAYS TO GET A WOMAN/ WIFE ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE [at his blog]

Marcus, Your responses amount to saying, "These were great laws for their day and age." So you have acknowledged ethical relativism, and that it can be found in the Bible.

Neither did you consider the woman's point of view. Forced to marry her rapist? Really?

Forced to marry the men who slaughtered her husband and/or whole family, village?

And in neither case is a wedding ceremony mentioned. It was an exchange of property.

And if the woman failed to please the soldier who slaughtered her people, she was let go. But if she did please him, only then was he obliged to take care of her.

And in fact a Hebrew male could have as many wives as he could feed and clothe. And also keep concubines and female slaves.

As for the Book of Esther, read chapter 2. "Beauty pageant" is a euphemism. The king was raping every virgin in that pageant, including the Jewish virgin, Esther. God was not incensed though. He allowed the raping, so that the king could discover just how "good" Esther was in the sack. . . for the good of her people. Esther was found to be so "good" that the king made her queen, and the Jews got to take revenge on their enemies, killing 75,000 of them according to the story, all because a virginal Jewish girl was raped by a king and was so good in bed. Is the story true? Who knows? God isn't even mentioned once in that book.

Ruth of course uncovers Boaz's feet, which is another euphemism for sleeping with him.

As for Paul, the most he said about marriage was that it was honorable, and it was "better to marry than to burn." "Better to marry than to burn?" They should SING that kind of praise of marriage at weddings. So all Paul admits is that marriage is "honorable" and "better than burning with lust" constantly. Not a word of actual praise.

All that Paul praises is the "spiritual marriage" of Christians to their bridegroom, the Lord. Therefore, Paul made clear that he thought celibacy was definitely a superior choice than marriage.

As for Cain marrying his sister, and in fact all of the children of Adam and Even marrying their brothers and sisters. Nice. More ethical relativism. I guess when they chose who was sleeping in whose beds while still kids, that was quite a serious choice indeed. But of course God being omnipotent could have created a second couple so such a thing need not have occurred. But I guess God just slapped his thigh and said, let 'em all sleep with each other!

Edward T. Babinski said...

Marcus McElhaney said... Rebutting Debunking Christianity: TOP 16 WAYS TO GET A WOMAN/ WIFE ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE [at his blog]

Marcus, Your responses amount to saying, "These were great laws for their day and age." So you have acknowledged ethical relativism, and that it can be found in the Bible.

Neither did you consider the woman's point of view. Forced to marry her rapist? Really?

Forced to marry the men who slaughtered her husband and/or whole family, village?

And in neither case is a wedding ceremony mentioned. It was an exchange of property.

And if the woman failed to please the soldier who slaughtered her people, she was let go. But if she did please him, only then was he obliged to take care of her.

And in fact a Hebrew male could have as many wives as he could feed and clothe. And also keep concubines and female slaves.

As for the Book of Esther, read chapter 2. "Beauty pageant" is a euphemism. The king was raping every virgin in that pageant, including the Jewish virgin, Esther. God was not incensed though. He allowed the raping, so that the king could discover just how "good" Esther was in the sack. . . for the good of her people. Esther was found to be so "good" that the king made her queen, and the Jews got to take revenge on their enemies, killing 75,000 of them according to the story, all because a virginal Jewish girl was raped by a king and was so good in bed. Is the story true? Who knows? God isn't even mentioned once in that book.

Ruth of course uncovers Boaz's feet, which is another euphemism for sleeping with him.

As for Paul, the most he said about marriage was that it was honorable, and it was "better to marry than to burn." "Better to marry than to burn?" They should SING that kind of praise of marriage at weddings. So all Paul admits is that marriage is "honorable" and "better than burning with lust" constantly. Not a word of actual praise.

All that Paul praises is the "spiritual marriage" of Christians to their bridegroom, the Lord. Therefore, Paul made clear that he thought celibacy was definitely a superior choice than marriage.

As for Cain marrying his sister, and in fact all of the children of Adam and Even marrying their brothers and sisters. Nice. More ethical relativism. I guess when they chose who was sleeping in whose beds while still kids, that was quite a serious choice indeed. But of course God being omnipotent could have created a second couple so such a thing need not have occurred. But I guess God just slapped his thigh and said, let 'em all sleep with each other!