"Help! My Daughter's Marrying a Black Man!"

By Pastor Ed Lowman

Since May of 2006, Pastor Ed Lowman has shepherded the Aryunder Baptist Church in Aryunder, Tennessee. Since before that time, the native South Texas pastor spent time in Iowa, Maryland, and different parts of the nation ministering the Gospel of the Kingdom of God.

Having become very well known for his self-published Christian How-to pamphlets, we present one of them here, re-published with permission from the Jesus Saves Bible and Tract Society...

So, your precious little girl has grown up to be a mating, blood-dripping machine known as a woman? That is hard news to handle since God thinks less of baby girls than he does of baby boys (Leviticus 12:2,5)…

“Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks.”

But now you learn that your daughter has upped and gone about to marry a man without your parental approval. I cover that in my pamphlet “When The Sow Don’t Ask Permission” and I offer steps on how to correct the problem. But right now, we’re dealing with a bigger problem—your daughter is fixing to marry a black man.

Don't just be ashamed of your daughter. Be ashamed of yourself for not taming that thoroughbred like the Bible says you should have done (Proverbs 22:6). You, as the parent, decide who your little girl marries, not her (I Corinthians 7:38). Maybe the liberal, secular authorities got you thinking otherwise, but God's Word hasn't changed one bit. So after you repent for falling short of God's Glorious Word, pick yourself up and move along and continue reading.

First, accept the bad news. Your daughter isn't coming back conjugally to the white race again. “Once they go black, they never go back,” as the saying goes. The Bible confirms this when it states with God-sealed inspiration that Negro genitalia is superior to the rest of humanity’s…

“Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.” (Ezekiel 23:19-20)

We do not know why God has endowed the darkies with huge dongs, but in His infinite wisdom, He decided to give his Caucasian servants packages that are only a little further along than the Burmese whom God has been cursing with natural disasters since 2004. What God has given He has given.

That your daughter wants to marry a black man is not good news. No self-respecting white Christian who respects their race in keeping with Genesis 9:25-27 would be happy with even partially darkie grandbabies. And no Christian wants to get together at Thanksgiving with a cursed descendant of Ham at the dinner table asking to pass the mashed potatoes and gravy. Moving on.

Second, appear to be supportive. When your daughter announces that she's found herself a minority, act supportive. However the news gets back to you, appear enthused even though you are crying inside.

Third, invite the young buck over. Tell your pumpkin…insist, rather…that you must meet the guy. Don't take no for an answer, and don't buy into that “oh, we're not that far along yet” garbage. Invite him over ASAP. Just remember to put away any valuables you have out and have 911 on speed dial.

If you have trouble getting him over there, offer to cook collared greens and fried chicken or barbeque. That should do the trick. Failing that, offer a free set of 20-inch rims. Then it’s a done deal.

Fourth, once he arrives at your house, ask your daughter to give you a minute with the lad. If she feels too nervous for that, snatch him away when she ducks out to use the lady’s room. Use this opportunity to ask him about a business proposal, but tell him not to tell your daughter about it, but to meet with you privately the next day.

Fifth, meet with him discreetly at a classy restaurant and pay for his meal. Make him feel like he is a high roller. It is here that you are going to offer him a financial settlement to leave your daughter and walk away forever. How much you offer depends upon how much the Lord has blessed you with.

Because he is black, he will probably take the money and split, but just to ensure that he does, offer half of the money up front and the other half six weeks later when you have established that no contact has been made behind your back. If you still find him a hard sell, offer him a free Biggies Smalls or Mike Jones CD. No black can resist those.

Sixth, contact some of our Godly friends and affiliates from the Bush Administration to hook you up with under-the-table wire-tapping to make sure their relationship has been severed. Once you see to it that no contact has been made, you can offer him the rest of the money. By then, both of them will have grown apart and the spark of ungodly love will have died. Praise Jesus!

Be advised that it may take some time to build a working relationship back up with your daughter, but it was worth it. We cannot disrespect our Godly race and heritage.

Seventh, and finally, pray to the Lord above that our African lugger never comes back. If he does, you must consult Chapter 4 “When Blackie wants it The Hard Way.” Sub-paragraph 6 goes into bodyguard stand-in requirements and locating a nearby lake. Sub-paragraph 9 deals with acquiring a 50-gallon drum.

(JH)

17 comments:

Anthony said...

Joe, you are a riot my friend!!

Rufus said...

This is a Poe, right?

All Prairie said...

You think this is funny but there is real stuff out there like this regarding gender. Sorry i don't know how to make a link in comments so you have to cut and paste and scroll down about a quarter of the way to "Monday, November 27, 2006
The Marriage Order Prophetically Speaking" to get to the best part:

http://sacremarriage.blogspot.com/

Joe E. Holman said...

All Prairie said...

"You think this is funny but there is real stuff out there like this regarding gender."

My reply...

And that is WHY I attack it--because it is real.

Spoofing it simply draws more attention to it and attacks it at the same time.

We laugh, but yes, it couldn't be more serious.

(JH)

Baritonobasso said...

I was SO hoping that this was for real -- then I followed the link and found that it went to a YouTube video instead of the Jesus Saves Bible and Tract Society. Damn!

All Prairie said...

how about this for ya; it's real enough:

http://www.davidduke.com/general/my-awakening-chapter-17-race-christianity-and-judaism_140.html

busterggi said...

You do know that this is the way those gun-toting, librul-hating, real Amurican, Jesus-loving, 20% of the population really thinks right?

Mike Van Hal said...

I am surprised that John Loftus would allow such a distateful blog about the Christian faith. Being a Christian myself, I have been reading Debunking Christianity for nearly a year. However, I have not yet come across something so unrepresentative of the Christian faith than this.
I have found since reading this blog that unless Loftus writes an entry, it is biased, mostly untrue, and (most of the time) just rude to Christians. Loftus (whom I have respect for), although I disagree with him, at least presents Christianity in the way that it truly is.
You, Joe, however, have made a fool of yourself. The portion of Christianity that believes this is so small (and yes, I have been to churches in the south and know many southern pastors), and yet you write this article on your "Debunking Christianity" blog?
I'm sure you are a decent guy, Joe (and other writers who have written other terrible articles), but I implore you to not be so ignorant (Ha! Ironic because it's the label you put on so many Christians!).

zaire said...

Though the pamphlet is a spoof, I'm still amazed that there is a percentage of christians not only believe this way, BUT ACT this way and it is justified by infallible scripture. A spoof can be entertaing AND education if the underlying them is somewhat true...and I think we can all agree that even if there is only one underlying theme that is true in that spoof then it is apparent that christianity is not 100% love as it is proclaimed/preached/written to be.

Corky said...

In Texas, a 55 gallon oil drum would be the first thought, right up there with tar and feathers and a chain dragging behind a pick-up truck.

In Arkansas, an old Ford engine tied to an ankle and dropped into a body of water would be the first thought. On second thought, everyone knows the whereabouts of at least one old abandoned dug well that someone could fall into by accident.

Kidding...sort of.

Joe E. Holman said...

Mike Van Hal said...

"Being a Christian myself, I have been reading Debunking Christianity for nearly a year. However, I have not yet come across something so unrepresentative of the Christian faith than this."


My reply...

Oh, shut up!

Every once in a while, we get you allegedly enlightened readers who say "I've been reading for a while and can't believe this is here..." (blah, bullshit, blah).

If you've been reading for a while, you should know that the different authors here approach things in different ways. Mine is usually straightforward, but sometimes takes a satirical approach.


You said...

"Loftus (whom I have respect for), although I disagree with him, at least presents Christianity in the way that it truly is."


My reply...

The one thing we appear to have in common is that we both respect John Loftus.

But you should know that I've known and worked with John since 2004. He has a great appreciation for different talents and for satire, though it's not his personal style. He knows that a satirical attack on Christianity can be effective, which is why he allows them.

The hatred and biblical ignorance I lance are very real and are taught in the Bible. You can't blame me for going after them, especially since I used scripture in my efforts. I am sorry the Bible is so old and so full of diabolically bad teachings and horrendously antiquated views, but that's what you have to deal with.


You said...

"You, Joe, however, have made a fool of yourself."


My reply...

Oh yeah, right, I'M THE ONE who subscribes to a book that teaches curses and the inferiority of women! Good going, pal!


You said...

"The portion of Christianity that believes this is so small (and yes, I have been to churches in the south and know many southern pastors), and yet you write this article on your 'Debunking Christianity' blog?"


My reply...

Do me a favor...spend some serious time anywhere in the south (where I was a minister for nine years and where I still live), or better yet, get in a time machine and go back in time no more than 35 years and go anywhere and see if this represents a "small" portion of Christianity.

Do you think that because Christianity is now more refined than earlier versions of it that the things I point out in my article are any less true? Think again.


You said...

"I'm sure you are a decent guy, Joe (and other writers who have written other terrible articles), but I implore you to not be so ignorant (Ha! Ironic because it's the label you put on so many Christians!)."


My reply...

Ignorant? Oh yes, I'M THE ONE who put in the Bible that having female children makes them unclean for twice as long as having male children. Good call.

(JH)

John W. Loftus said...

BTW: Joe is a respected friend of mine who is the "Bad Boy" here at DC. I suspect if he keeps this up he'll make some good money as a comedian in the coming atheist decades. We need a new George Carlin. Go Joe!

Donald said...

Mike Van Hal,

Personally I think that what you said in your statements is BULLSHIT ! Just like your bible BULLSHIT ! I've lived in the south and I've found them – Southern Baptists, Assemble of God, and other Pentecostalists – to be most gullible of the priestly gibberish BULLSHIT !

I have read this blog for a year and have found it most enlightening. And the guest bloggers to be considerate, insightful, and demonstrative about the general as well as specific BULLSHIT ! found in the bible.

Now, I receive the same BULLSHIT ! from friends in Oklahoma, Texas and the like of the western south of the United States. Most disturbing are these correspondences as I served with these brave men in the military and did not at that time discover this latent ignorance within them as we cooperated in complicated and dangerous missions.

I have investigated creationism from the inside back in the 70’s when I was a fun-damning-menial-its. And now I investigate cretinous creationism and the babbling bible from the outside discovering no reason to be inveigled again by such complete, utter, invidious, Iron Age BULLSHIT !

By the way, I do not normally write in blogs. This because I prefer to read and digest the substance of the interaction. Yet, in your case, I made an exception because of the lack of discernment and the overt superciliousness of your comment.

DCSurferDoc

Joe E. Holman said...

John W. Loftus said...

"We need a new George Carlin. Go Joe!"


My reply...

Whoa, whoa! Don't give me too big of shoes to fill! I'll settle for just being a staff writer for The Onion! :-)

(JH)

All Prairie said...

Mike
I don't think anyone represented this as the way ALL Chrstians feel, and if you are so angry about the x% who DO feel this way, why don't you speak out against them and urge your 'good' Christian groups and ministers to speak out against them for not representing good 'Christian' ethics. Why don't YOU engage in a campaign of ferretting out where they use the Bible to hurt women, gays, blacks, and find parts of your Bible that support fair treatment and kindness and argue with THEM.

Mike Van Hal said...

Joe, after reading my response to your article again, I see that I responded in a rude way , and thus made a hypocrite of myself. My intent was to show that your article was unrepresentative of the great majority of Christians (yes, I still maintain that, and we're not talking about 35 years ago; we're talking about now).
John, I'm reading your latest book at the moment. One of the things that has struck me has been your tender heart towards Christians, which stems from an understanding of our faith. You argue in a way that doesn't threaten. I respect that. I have not seen this same decency in the others who have written on the site.
That is all that I was trying to say. Again, sorry that it came out as an attack.

Brother OMi said...

the sad part is that there are even congregations with black members who have pastors who feel this way. Quite a few of them are in the midwest.