Seven Steps to Recovery

Hello Everyone,

This is a summary outline I've come up with for recovering from authoritarian religions like fundamentalist Christianity. In my years of counseling experience, I've found that for a lot of people (not everyone), the leaving process takes time and has some important steps. This outline is not meant to be a formula or cover the issues in depth, but I hope it is useful for you to think about.

Kind regards,
Marlene Winell

1. Get Real.
Be honest with yourself about whether your religion is working for you. Let go of trying to force it to make sense. Have a look at life and the world AS IT IS, and stop trying to live in a parallel universe. This world might not be perfect but facing reality will help you get your life on track. If you feel guilty, realize that the religion teaches you to feel responsible when it isn’t working and tells you to go back and try harder, just like an abusive relationship.



2. Get a Grip.

Don’t panic. The fear you feel is part of the indoctrination. All those messages about what will happen to you if you leave the religion are a self-serving part of the religion. If you calm down, you’ll be just fine. Many people have been through this.

3. Get Informed.
Do everything you can to educate yourself. You are free to read and expose yourself to all the knowledge in the world – history, philosophy, other religions, mythology, anthropology, biology, psychology, sociology, and more. In particular, read about how the Bible was put together and church history. Read authors who have explained why they deconverted. Many websites have deconversion stories and helpful reading lists.

4. Get Help.
Find support in any way you can. Explore online forums to discuss issues with others leaving their religion. Join a supportive group in your area. If necessary, find a therapist who understands or go to a recovery retreat. Do the work to heal the wounds of religious abuse.

5. Get a Life.
Rebuild your life around new values and engage fully with your choices. Develop your identity as you learn to love and trust yourself. Take responsibility and create the life that works for you – in work, family, leisure, social – all the areas of commitment that make a life structure. If you still want a spiritual life, define it for yourself. Venture into the “world” for new experiences and new friends. This will take time but you can do it.

6. Get With the Program.
Welcome to the human race. Accept the idea that Earth is your home and humanity is your true family. If you aren't part of a special group that is leaving, consider what that means for you. You may want to participating in larger concerns to make the world a better place, such as caring for the environment or working for social justice. Let go of expecting God to take care of all the problems. You can begin with knowing your neighbors.

7. Get Your Groove On.
Reclaim enjoyment of sensation and pleasure as you relax with the idea of being an animal like all the others on Earth. Learn to be present here and now. Discover all the ways to appreciate nature. Enjoy and love other people instead of judging. Reclaim your creativity and express yourself any way you like, not just to “glorify God.” Love your body and take care of it. Embrace this life instead of worrying about the next. Sing and dance and laugh for no reason except Being Alive.


Marlene Winell, Ph.D., is a psychologist who works in religious recovery, and the author of Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion. Information about counseling services and weekend retreats can be found at marlenewinell.net

8 comments:

C Woods said...

Great post. I started doubting religion when I was 12 and was an atheist by 17. I never felt withdrawal from it because religion, particularly the Bible, seemed so very wrong to me. It was only much later that I began to read about the history of religion and why others didn't believe. Bertrand Russell's "Why I Am Not a Christian" and Mark Twain's "Letters From the Earth" were probably the first two things I read that made me realize I wasn't alone. I've published several posts about why I am an atheist ---and there will be more to come on http://tirelesswing.blogspot.com
My latest series is called "Christians Behaving Badly." I could write on that subject 24/7 and never run out of material.

Frank Walton said...
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NightFlight said...

I deconverted 13 yrs ago but the guilt and fear remain. I have to laugh; they call their faith "good news".

Greg Mills said...

Marlene -- Would you mind if I cross posted this over at exscientologykids.com? It's a site for people who were raised in Scientology and have since left. A lot of the same issues are at work there, obviously.

jUUggernaut said...

I got sucked into reading deconversion stories online a while ago. It should be required reading. The depth of despair one can witness there will give anyone to understand that Dawkin's phrase Religion as child abuse is not hyperbole but a very real description of what happens with regularity to people caught up in religious groups.
Kudos to Dr Winell and others who help people to get rid of their mental chains and rebuild their lives.
While it can be very hard work to overcome mental habits such incessant feelings of guilt the reward is very very large: the world out there is fascinating and offers many delights.
I was just reminded of James Mitchener's saga Hawaii where the Puritan missionaries who made it to those enchanted islands never took their New England clothes off or ate any of the vitamin laden local fruits, referring to some Biblical passage warning not to learn from the Heathens.
If you have ever had a ripe pineapple or papaya in Hawaii (or seen a naked surfer queen, for that matter) you know what they were missing. And by the way, poor nutrition and clothes/hygiene related illness killed them in stunning numbers.

goprairie said...

I think one of the traps the newly deconverted fall into is thinking they have to 'evangelize' about it. They are bitter and maybe want to vent, they might want to 'save' others from 'bad' religion, they might resent having to continue to live in a 'christian' society. Some feel a need to 'come out' in a dramatic way and announce it to family and friends.
This sort of thing can cause rifts that need not be and are regretted later.
Maybe a "Get Calm" would be in order. If a person was not evengelical about their former religion, they should not feel a need to do so about atheism. And one can continue to participate in Christian culture and a part of ones heritage without believing in it just as 'cultural Jews' have been doing for centuries without actually believing in it. And if you never discussed religion much with family and friends before, there is no reason to do so now. Friends who have become atheist have gotten themselves into hot water by making a big deal about not participating in Christmas and then regretted it and gone back to doing the gift thing as a family tradition. And sometimes there are people who never need know, like elderly relatives who will be upset that you left the flock. So be calm, think about who needs to know what and why and when and how and be careful about all that, for your sake and for others. Now there is nothing wrong with joining a cause and working for atheist rights of course, but then, just as with working on environmental issues, not everybody needs to know everything.

Marlene Winell said...

Thank-you for your comments. Greg, by all means, you may repost. These steps apply to all kinds of religions and I have worked with people from many backgrounds, including scientology.
Also, a group of us are developing a new website, recoveryfromreligion.org, where we are collecting resources for recovery. We invite you to post "messages of hope" there to encourage folks who are anxious about leaving their religion. Also, if anyone wants to help with this website, we are still organizing volunteers, and you are welcome. Just write to me. You are also welcome to attend or help organize a weekend retreat - see my website: marlenewinell.net
Oh, and any of my posts can be reposted by anyone. Just indicate my website in case anyone wants more information. Thanks!
Warmly, Marlene

Unknown said...

Interesting. My cousin went to counseling at his church and he said using faith helped him a lot. Thanks for the information though.

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