The Father's Foreskin Feast

Sarah Cooper (35) of Augusta, Maine, was just another ordinary member of St. Luke’s Catholic Church, along with her husband and their three children. That all changed at a church fish fry on a certain Friday afternoon. Little did Mrs. Cooper know, but she was about to make headlines!

“I was just sitting there, nibbling on my hushpuppies and fries. When I took a bite of my fish sandwich, I started to taste a funny taste. Then I noticed something chewy and gross in my mouth. I got sickened by the grossness and quickly spit it out. That’s when I noticed what it looked like. It looked like a human foreskin!”

And she wasn’t wrong. A human foreskin was indeed found in her fish sandwich, smothered under ketchup, tartar sauce, and a nice helping of mayo. “Well,” said Father Perry Showalter (56), devoted priest of St. Luke’s parish for the last twenty-one years, “at least it didn’t cause the commotion until after everyone finished eating.”

Nicely, Mrs. Cooper agreed to be discreet about the matter until it was brought to the attention of the monsignor, but her husband was none too thrilled about the fact that for a brief moment, his wife was led into involuntary sin by having a part of another man’s penis in her mouth. “It’s a sad day for all religions when a faithful Catholic Christian woman can’t go to church without chewing on another dude’s cock! I’m furious and I want to find out how this happened!” said a red-faced and visibly distraught Matthew Cooper (39), an air force captain and husband of thirteen years to Sarah. “I’ve been a good Catholic all my life, and never have I seen anything like this!”

We understand Mr. Cooper’s rage, and we also want to find out what happened. So we decided to sit down with Father Perry, who was gracious enough to take the time out of his busy schedule to discuss the issue with us at length. Father Perry was not hesitant to put the blame where he said it was due—on his own church for the institution’s timelessly bad habit of going hog-wild for holy relics. In this case, the holy relic was believed to be the foreskin of Jesus Christ, the founder of Christianity.

“Well, it’s pretty simple,” Father Perry explained. “The only way the foreskin could have wound up in Mrs. Cooper’s sandwich is because of the recent truckload of foreskins, which was delivered to our church only a week earlier. One of them must have somehow gotten mixed in with the food during meal preparation, that’s all.” Father Perry, seeing our dissatisfaction with his words, elaborated further…

“You see, we are Catholics, and over the years, many Catholic churches have claimed to possess the one true foreskin of our Lord and Savior, along with tons of other “holy” relics that were found to be out-and-out frauds. Our church absolutely loves bombastic claims of the healing power of shrines and holy relics, and despite having some learned sages and scholars among us, our members are still stupider than Jupiter—stupid enough, in fact, to believe that visiting a holy site or touching a holy relic will bring healing and blessings from above.

Now you would think that with all the ‘seeing’ that the Holy See does, that they’d be able to detect what is true and what is false in the department of holy relics. But, as it turns out, God is more interested in having the Virgin Mary appear on tree stumps, making statues bleed, and having our Italian grannies make good garlic and tomato sauces to go with freshly-cooked pasta than he is in certifying accuracy in matters of the divine.

Over the centuries, the Catholic church has been as wrong as a still-working lottery winner on a great number of things, so it shouldn’t surprise us when pious, boy-touching bachelors with deadpan grins, tall hats, and fears of falling victim to chronic masturbation tell us lies. And not only is the Catholic Church filled with liars, but with shameless hypocrites too.

We once burned people alive for denying that un-baptized babies go to Hell, but now we believe precisely the same thing we once condemned others for believing. That’s just how we work. We’re a church of fallible human beings, and we’re no different than any other glorified, gregarious, gaggle of old geezers out there who claim a monopoly on faith and forgiveness.

So, getting back to the matter of the foreskin, the problem is that we can’t say for sure which of the possibly holy foreskins belonged to Jesus, even after many centuries of feuding and quarrelling with rival churches over the issue. To keep from throwing away the true foreskin of God Almighty (and to raise money for the church by having everyone of them put on display so that people will pay to come and see them), we decided to keep them around. Maine’s Roman Catholic Diocese thought it was a good idea to keep the foreskins here, and that is what led to the unfortunate accidental ingesting of the foreskin by Mrs. Cooper.”


When asked what he intends to do about the situation as a means of restitution for Mrs. Cooper, Father Perry replied, “We’ll do the same thing we’ve always done when we mess up—give a formal and somber apology, and then pretend the whole thing never happened. Every time we screw up (and we do often), we just say “I’m sorry,” and it has worked like a charm! No matter how many men we burned alive or stretched on the rack, no matter how many innocent women were tortured and falsely accused of being witches, all we had to do was offer up an apology and it was like spilled milk!

That’s what we did with Galileo, you’ll recall; the church wronged him, and not until many years after his death did the church get around to offering an arid, half-assed apology for it. Well, we intend to be much better to Mrs. Cooper than we were to Galileo by apologizing to her while she is still alive. And here it is for the record (and we’re only going to say it once): We’re sorry, Mrs. Cooper!”


When asked if she felt that the resolution of this matter was sufficient, Mrs. Cooper commented, “Oh yes. Of course, I accept the apology, although I’m having mixed feelings about this; the thought of having another man’s private part in my mouth was very disturbing. But then, I must admit that our church says that the foreskin I had in my mouth might have belonged to Jesus Christ, and if that is the case, I am deeply honored to have had a part of my Savior’s blessed hoo-haa in my unworthy mouth!”

(JH)

12 comments:

Matt S said...

*blink blink*

I can't even tell if this is Poe's Law or not. You're incredible, Joe.

Yoo said...

I find this story unrealistic. If Father Perry was a real Catholic priest, he would have sued Mrs. Cooper and demanded an apology for damaging a holy relic.

;)

Robert_B said...

Excellent and funny. Thanks.

Ty said...

This story left a bad taste in my mouth... groan.

DingoDave said...

It could have been worse.
It might have been a dog's foreskin, a la Robert_B's article 'Relics of the Machabees'. : )

Lee Randolph said...

hoo ha?
eeoo.
;)

Joe E. Holman said...

Matt S said...

"*blink blink*

I can't even tell if this is Poe's Law or not. You're incredible, Joe."

Gee, thanks! And what can I say?

:-/


Yoo said...

"I find this story unrealistic. If Father Perry was a real Catholic priest, he would have sued Mrs. Cooper and demanded an apology for damaging a holy relic. ;)"


My reply...

I thought about going that route, but this one won out! That angle would have been good too, though.


Robert_B said...

"Excellent and funny. Thanks."

My reply...

Thanks, Robert.


Ty said...

"This story left a bad taste in my mouth... groan."

My reply...

Uh, well, if it had left a good taste in your mouth, I'd be concerned for you!


Lee Randolph said...

"hoo ha?
eeoo.
;)"

My reply...

The expert writer learns that words serve mankind, and not the other way around.

Besides, as Americans, we've got it all wrong grammatically anways, always making compounding words when we should be hyphenating, etc.

I've studied many writings styles, and as a result, have my own beaten path to follow.

"Hoo-haa", to me, conveys the idea of "a naughty word belongs here" better than the odd look of "hoo ha."

But yes, "eeeooo" is right! :-)

(JH)

Manifesting Mini Me (MMM) said...

And I was just about ready to ask you to co-author a culinary critique blog.......

Joe E. Holman said...

Manifesting Mini Me (MMM) said...

"And I was just about ready to ask you to co-author a culinary critique blog......."

My reply...

Aw...come on! Gimme a shot! You haven't even tried my lemon-doused fish sandwich yet!

(JH)

Manifesting Mini Me (MMM) said...

Joe, okay, but I am wondering - would you be willing to refrain from putting the words "eating" and "foreskin" (or any other body part) together in the same sentence?? :-) (BTW, I'd like to hear more about the lemon doused fish sandwich - I love citrus and seafood together).

3M

zilch said...

I've posted this here before, but for anyone who doesn't know the story, here it is again:

This might be a good place for a retelling of the story of St. Agnes Blannbekin, who died here in Vienna in 1315. Her “Revelations”, as collected by her spiritual advisor, were published by the Benedictine B. Pez in 1731, and included the following tidbit (sorry, just in German: the following is my translation), from chapter XXXVII, “The Lord’s Prepuce”:

“This person had the habit, starting almost in childhood, to weep profoundly at the Feast of the Circumcision, touched to the heart by the blood spent by Christ, who deigned to suffer so early.... Thus she started to wonder, where the prepuce might be. And lo and behold! Soon she felt a little skin on her tongue, like the skin of an egg, full of great sweetness, and she gulped it down. Hardly had she swallowed it, when she felt the little skin again, and so she swallowed it once more. And she did so a good hundred times.... And it was revealed to her, that on the Day of Resurrection the prepuce was also resurrected. So great was the sweetness when she swallowed this little skin, that in all her limbs and in all the muscles of her limbs she felt a sweet transformation...”

St. Agnes’ confessor added after this chapter the note:

“I was greatly comforted, that the Lord would reveal himself to people this way, and burned to hear more.”

Oh, and mmm- I love seafood and citrus too. I just got back from California, where I had the best ceviche ever, at Mariscos La Costa, at the corner of 37th and East 14th in San Leandro. Scrumptious!

Manifesting Mini Me (MMM) said...

Hi Zilch! Good to see you - sounds like the ceviche was delicious! I've never had it before, but now that you've given light to it, I may venture into ceviche territory.

If I could overcome my hang-ups about prepuce manifesting itsself in the manner that St Agnes experienced, I would no doubt be able to share in her joy and wonder but I'm a bit limited in my faith yet and haven't matured to that degree. At any rate, thanks for sharing, Zilch!

Good to hear from you,
3M