The Rooster, God's Alarm Clock

Sermon Title: “The Rooster, God’s Alarm Clock”
Date Presented: February 4, 2007
Message Delivered By: Farmer Hank
From The Series: “Sermons by Farmer Hank”
Theme: Hymn #201, “Is It For Me, Dear Savior”
Thesis: God guides and directs us and gives evidence of his creative power and direction in nature. Sinners can’t see it. Only the righteous can see it.
Sermon Transcribed By: Judith Miller, church secretary, Oakwood Baptist Church:

As the people of God, we look for spiritual things in nature. Conveniently, God has enabled us to see what no one else can see. Even if it’s not there, we see it. That’s why we’re Christians. We’re special and God loves us more than everyone else in the whole wide world. And there is one thing in nature that is a sure testimony of God. The Lord led me to this conclusion earlier this week when I was hoeing in the garden, plantin’ tomaters. The Lord told me to preach a sermon on the rooster.

Roosters are like fruit trees—when we see that they are beneficial to mankind, we just assume that God made them for us. We assume that the fruit put on that tree was put there solely for our benefit. The evolutionists say that fruit is merely nature’s way of reproducing the plant, which is why there are seeds in the fruit itself. But we know, as educated Christians, that God made that fruit for us. We just know it because the Bible says it. We have no other way of knowing anything. Not even the senses can convince us of something that is not in the Bible, and we hate reason and science, so don’t bother trying to convince us with either of those. They are the enemies of God. [At this point, Farmer Hank hawks a loogy and briefly coughs]

Now think about the rooster for a moment. He crows in the morning, which tells us to get up and get our britches on, and to go out to feed the pigs and the hens. How does the rooster know to crow at the same time every morning? Because God told him to! That right there is proof-positive that Jesus Christ is creator of the entire universe, because he made roosters to tell us when to get up! It’s just right to get up early in the morning, to put your overalls on, and not be lazy and sleep in like some sluggard (Proverbs 6:6-9), and we farmers know that better than anyone else. This is why southern, white, Christian farmers tend to be so close to God.

And that’s another thing; we work hard for our sustenance, which happens to include chickens. We eat chicken abortions for our pleasure, but we preach that human abortions are wrong at all costs, which is why we voted for Bush twice! And even though the evolutionists keep telling us we are an odd species because we are the only species who drinks the milk of another animal as a source of nutrients well into our old age, we still know that God gave us cows to milk and to eat. It’s in the Bible, so it has to be true. [Loud “AMENS” from the crowd]

We have no problem killing a once-living being for food, for clothing, for saddles, or just for our pleasure so that we people with missing teeth can look at each other and senselessly grin. Any reason to kill is ok. Our minds are eased in killing lesser lifeforms because it’s in the Bible that we can do it, and no one ever takes as much delight in killing as when God says the killing is acceptable. And kill we do and will continue to do! We kill for food, for putting big trophies with horns up on our walls (and on the front of our Cadillacs), for rugs, and for oil overseas—and if the law would stay off our backs, we’d kill the gays too. God has been gracious enough to enlighten the eyes of a few of his children, not only to see that without Jesus, we’re all worthless sinners who are going straight to hell, but to see the purposes God has for all of his creations, just like the rooster.

For instance, we see that clouds are inspiring to artists and painters and poets, and that means God made them for that purpose—to stimulate our big brains. We know why pigs were made; they were made to be killed and cooked and cut-up to flavor the beans. And iron was put in the earth to make hoes, rakes, and especially rifles out of. Without rifles, we couldn’t have the National Rifle Association, could we? The NRA is only one tiny step behind the church in holiness and importance, I’ll have you know! [Countless and loud “AMENS” from the whole congregation]

God has given us many other things too, like pretty flowers for sending to sweet sisters in Christ, like Leanne Simmons, who recently lost her husband, and Ima May Anderson, whose husband suffered his third heart attack this week alone. Flowers are God’s way of saying, “I may not be willing to heal you of your painful ailments, my child, but I sure will engage your sense of beauty to help you forget about it for the moment!” That’s our God for you—always willing to help us out on the little things, but never a once in the ways that matter most! He’ll heal a heart murmur or a headache, but never an amputee! But, he’s the only God we got, so we still have to worship him or we’ll get the boot! And God is not the enemy here. It’s the evolutionist who is the enemy. The evolutionist tells us that flowers were originally ugly, and that all the beautiful flowers are man-made.

Evolutionists are just stupid. They actually think that the entire universe came from yarn, which is why we hear so much today about “String Theory.” It’s a bunch of hogwash, that’s what it is! They say that the horse evolved from a small, scrawny, five-toed, fox-like creature that eventually grew larger, but that’s a bunch of hooey. We know that God created everything exactly as it appears today. The horse was created instantaneously and made to be ridden, just like pappy’s Model-T and Dixie Lee’s old International truck that sits up on blocks in her driveway like it has been for the last 8 years. If horses had been created small, how would Abraham and Moses have gotten around? They didn’t have dependable Fords and Chevys like we do today.

What we often forget is, this is our world, and God wants us to get around it and conquer it. God doesn’t care about animals anymore than he cared about injuns when they had this land. That’s why the good Lord ripped it right out of their hands and gave it to us! He cares about us using the animals on this land too. He wants us to ride them, and then when we’re done, to use them again in large, industrial farming efforts so that they are systematically and cruelly served up as food, so that our young Sallies and Daisys and Tommys and Bobbys can grow up big and strong and become red-faced, mashed potato-eating cowgirls and boys, who eat off of the serving spoons at church potluck dinners, and who wear truly massive belt buckles and hats just like we wear. And that’s another thing; if God didn’t want us to eat mashed potatoes and gravy, why would he have invented butter or flour? No evolutionist can answer that. And someone please tell me, if God didn’t want us to wipe our rear-ends with them, why did he make plants like lilies and elephant ears? There’s not an evolutionist alive who can answer that! [More “AMENS” heard from the audience]

Come on! Think about it; if God didn’t want us to swim and fish, why would he have made rivers and ponds? If he didn’t want us to herd sheep, why did he give them wool? If God didn’t want us to be impressed with his extravagant creativity, why did he make such pretty stars and those dead, worthless planets that revolve around them? If God didn’t want us to make and enjoy beer, why did he make porches, lawn chairs, and tailgates for us to sit outside on with our buddies as we admire the confederate flag?

Christians, the point has been made: Jesus loves you and he created this entire universe for you, and not for any other reason. All those distant stars and worlds and galaxies that God created, he really doesn’t care about, just like the salmon as he futilely swims upstream. Why, the entire Whirlpool Galaxy doesn’t even matter as much as the spittoon at your papaw’s favorite liquoring hole. What God really cares about is you, little old you. Isn’t that nice? [“AMENS” from all parts of the crowd]

Now please rise for the invitational hymn.

(JH)

8 comments:

Ty said...

Bullshit! Very funny though. Is this a comedy series that gets posted here?

Okay, I'm probably missing the point, so forgive my following analysis: You can't expect me to believe anyone seriously said this. For one, look at the sermon date... I guarantee that a sermon preached on that date, by someone supposedly as ignorant as this would have sounded much different.

Ty said...

Okay, I'm an idiot who obviously doesn't understand satire.

sorry..... ;) Now, I'm really laughing me ass off!

Joe E. Holman said...

tv said...

"Is this a comedy series that gets posted here?"

My reply...

I'm kind of the DB satirist. Have always had a love for it, and it's a great way to teach. And so when something comes to the noodle, I just turn it into an article.


ty said...

"I'm an idiot who obviously doesn't understand satire."

My reply...

Nah, don't worry about it! You're way above the dipshits I'm parodying in the article! lol

(JH)

Robert_B said...

Its brilliant. Thanks.

Rotten Arsenal said...

Very funny! Unfortunately, I know people like that.

One thing that you might want to edit for future use... the date (2/4/01) is incompatible with the line "which is why we voted for Bush twice!"

... unless this guy is in Texas, where we were dumb enough to make him Governor twice.

At any rate, lovely piece of satire, Joe.

Joe E. Holman said...

Rotten Arsenal said...

"Very funny! Unfortunately, I know people like that.

One thing that you might want to edit for future use... the date (2/4/01) is incompatible with the line "which is why we voted for Bush twice!"

... unless this guy is in Texas, where we were dumb enough to make him Governor twice.

At any rate, lovely piece of satire, Joe."

My reply...

Oh yeah, I thought I changed it and didn't! Caught it after the third read-thru and STILL managed to forget to change it!

A world of thanks!

(JH)

Roya said...

ALARMED- by GOD

Even GOD knows when to laugh, but
is still trying to make contact
with the naysayers who cannot see
the "bigger picture" or who won't
leave it to the Creator to have the
last Word on the subject. If He/She
approached it as a rooster, would
any more hear the call to "rise
and shine" GOD (in one sense of the Word) is alive and well and is
walking and talking today. For
this reason He/She is unable to
heal amputees. That day will come. You should know that Christ
does not return with the "name"
Jesus. Maybe this is your official "wake up" call. See more
than nonsinners. GOD loves all
the people. Hell does not exist
yet! - google
http://360.yahoo.com/messhiach
http://thestarthatwouldbegod.blogspot.com

ADONAI: says "Thanks for the chuckle"

Roya said...

From comedy to truth in advertising
if you have the urge to seek out a
self proclaimed "Coming One" it is here

SECOND COMING google

Always inspect what you expect,only
keep an open mind. Perhaps reading
the tags, might be enlightening.
(She crows and exits stage right)