The Cost of Atheism

It's hard to be agnostic, even more a "becoming atheist." Christians often self-congratulate their experiences of "persecution" and "the cost of discipleship," but the cost of agnostic/atheism high, perhaps higher, than any Christian ever imagined.

I have been on both sides of the table. There is no question that discrimination and rejection are experienced by many Christians. Unfortunately, most of it - at least in Western culture - is earned. Rather than demonstrating the love, unity, acceptance and forgiveness that the New Testament proposes as the model of Jesus' life and the expectation of those who are his followers, most contemporary Christians are mean-spirited, self-righteous and hypocritical. Most Christians I encountered during my sojourn through the Land of Oz (ie, Christianity) deserved just about every bit of distrust and disrespect they received.

But a fact often overlooked is that agnostics and atheists are similarly despised and rejected, especially in this psuedo-born again culture of America, that makes some bastardization of Christianity and patriotism synonymous. Listen to the blowhards on any radio talk show or the FOX News network, and you will quickly understand that in the "culture war" of these days, atheists are the "evil empire."

But - actually - I am not thinking of that kind of thing when I talk about the cost of agnosticism/atheism. I am talking about something else, possibly a spiritual dynamic (and certainly psycho-social) that resists the notion of denying or questioning the reality of God. It's really a question of the head versus the heart. My head has always doubted the reality of God - my heart yearns for his reality. Rationally, reasonably, I can question (at least) and deny (at most) the existence of a Divine Being. But my heart wants magic, mystery, and the sense of wonder that can be part of the journey of faith and belief.

I don't have much respect for those on either side of the God debate who deny the role of the aching heart in the agnositic/atheist community. Of course, I admit that not all have the emotional resonance with Christianity that I have as a former Christian. But anyone who denies the role of emotion in the formation of faith and belief is a liar and a fool. We are not just thinking animals...we feel, and our feelings are often a far more powerful reality than our reason.

I miss God. I often want to fall back on easy believism. A recent commenter on this site reminded me of the rules of "easy believism" - God says it, I believe it, that settles it. No questions asked. I wish! My heart wants - indeed, aches - for a trust in a Heavenly Daddy who loves me, desires the best for me, has a plan for me, and will help me accomplish that plan if I put my trust in him (and give his church my money)!

A few days ago, I saw a guy wearing a religious tee-shirt. It showed a knight in armor, kneeling, with his sword in front of him. Over the picture were these words" "The difficulty of what you face is not as great as the Power behind you." It nearly brought me to tears. How I yearn to believe - simply, as a child - that there is God who stood behind me, held me up, helped me through. Alas...and forsooth.

Remember the movie "Pitch Black" - the sci-fi movie that introduced us to Vin Diesel as Riddick, the space cowboy? In that movie, a mullah challenges Riddick, saying "you don't believe in God." Riddick responds - "No, I absolutely do believe in God. And I absolutely hate the M---F---er!"

It's hard to believe. It's harder to choose not to, especially when your heart - your emotional life - yearns to believe.

But there is a reason I choose not to believe...and the cost of atheism is high.