BREAKING NEWS: Jesus Declared Insane!

Monday, November 5, 2007 – from The Association of Rational Jesus Seekers Press.

In years past, evangelical Christians like Lee Strobel have boasted greatly about their belief that it is possible to have Jesus legally declared the Son of God in a court of law. Granting that conclusion, an up-and-coming team of textual critics and legal analysts known as The Association of Rational Jesus Seekers (TARJS) has banded together for precisely the purpose of expounding on such important biblical matters. The organization discovered that if Jesus can be legally declared to be the living and risen Son of God in a court of law, then he can also be declared legally insane in a court of law.

Breaths were held Monday night at the Kaczynski Memorial Auditorium in Chicago, Illinois as the council of over 200 came together to render a verdict on the highly disputed sanity of Jesus. Believers of all faiths could be seen biting their nails, anxiously awaiting this team of some of the ripest biblical scholars on the planet to reach their weighty conclusion. The verdict would forever stain the already tarnished reputation of Jesus the Christ—this verdict being surpassed in negativity only by the Talmudic accusation that Jesus was the product of Mary opening her legs to a weary Roman soldier one fateful night. Finally, the waiting was over and the verdict was in: Jesus Christ, known to Christians as “the Messiah,” is legally insane!

Gasps could be heard coming from nervous, sectioned off groups of believers at the announcement that their Lord and Savior was indeed the screwy lunatic they believed he was not. The silent tension in the air gave way to muffled grunts of revulsion and short, steaming outbursts against members of the association for their “blasphemous” rendering. “We have not seen such irreverence since The Jesus Seminar” one attendant said. Others stated that they agreed with the verdict: “Jesus may have been a compassionate human being, but he was definitely coo-coo for cocoa puffs!” So dense was the atmosphere that the council, having decided to leave the building quietly, was compelled to stay and give a lengthy verbal defense on the specific reasons behind the giving of the verdict. The speaker of the council, Dr. David Eardman, declined comment initially, but due to the overwhelming pressure from red-faced evangelicals, eventually elected to answer some questions from the audience.

“The reasons we declared Jesus unhinged had to do with his unstable behavior in cursing a fig tree for not having fruit on it (Mark 11:12-14), for sending soul-raping demons into a herd of two thousand swine, causing their needless deaths (Mark 5:11-13), and for his famous temple conniption fit (John 2:14-17).” Dr. Eardman said.

Mark 11:13-14 says, “13. And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. 14. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter forever.” Dr. Eardman asked, “Can any thinking person deny that this behavior is insane?” He continued, “Why would the Lord of heaven and earth expect to find fruit on a fig tree out of season? This is the first evidence of demonstrable insanity.” But the team wasn’t yet through showing that Jesus was a fruitcake. They then moved on to what was said to be an even worse example of a sick, twisted mind.

Dr. Chamberlain, another member of TARJS and Dr. Eardman’s closest friend said, “Why Jesus agreed to go along with a request of Hellbound demons who lost the great war in heaven isn’t clear, but it is clear that Jesus was no animal rights activist. And he must have had a special dislike for pigs. Instead of sending the demons off to Hell where they belonged, Jesus sent them on a short trip inside the bodies of sweet little pigs and piglets that were subsequently drowned in the river. Perhaps Jesus didn’t think through that when the pigs died the demons would again be freed to wreak havoc on earth, and the owner of the swine would be out a lot of money. This is crazy behavior. I’ve never seen anything like it outside of a sanitarium! We have no choice but to declare Jesus insane and to warn others to stay away from him when he comes back to earth someday.”

Following the councilmen’s comments was a firestorm of heated debate, which reached a climax when uppity, New York Dr. Gregory Barnes referred to Jesus as “a male menopausal, foaming-at-the-mouth, psychopath,” for which he later apologized. “Maybe I went a little too far on that one,” Dr. Barnes was heard to say. The reference was made concerning Jesus’ throwing over the moneychanger’s tables and ruining good temple business, rather than resorting like he should have to legal means to stop what he believed was religious thievery. Dr. Chamberlain told us, “The real reason Jesus was as mad as a wet hornet was simply because the Jews in the temple refused to cut him in on the temple profits!”

Dr. Eardman then concluded the matter: “I’m afraid the conclusion is unavoidable. Jesus is insane—and we are not the only ones who think so. Even his family thought Jesus was nuttier than a fudge sundae. Mark 3:21 says ‘When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, He is out of his mind.’” When his appeals to reason failed to convince the religious herd, Dr. Eardman made yet one more rational appeal: “Do we really want to entrust our souls to a man who had a disciple who ran around with nothing but a towel on?” (John 21:7) Seeing no way to reach the intolerant mob, the meeting abruptly ended when the frustrated doctor and his scholars walked out of the auditorium.

(JH)