The Religious "Off" Switch

I used to delight in asking my Christian brothers and sisters why they believed the things they said they believed. The most common answer was simply, "That's what I've always been told." That always disturbed me. You could pull a wisdom tooth with a piece of string easier than you could get a straight answer out of most of these people. I decided it was my purpose, indeed my calling, in life to teach the foundations of Christianity to all these people who didn't seem to know why they were even believers in the first place. I wasn't exactly successful.

But I tried for 18 long years to instill a love for God's word in people who claimed to love him wholeheartedly but weren't terribly interested in any of the reasons why. My religion was my life, I was a man of God. I was anointed, Spirit filled, chosen and called for the work of the ministry. I loved the life. I loved the purpose it gave me. I had no desire to question it or ever leave it.

Then one morning I had a stroke.

Oxygen deprivation can do horrible things to your body and your brain. It can kill you (which I obviously avoided), it can maim you, it can make you forget how to walk, it can leave you unable to speak or communicate, it can paralyze you and basically ruin your entire life. In my case, it left me able to move, to speak, and to function, but with the added joy of never ending pain. It cost me my job of 23 years and destroyed any hope of having any kind of retirement. It changed the way I think and the way I feel; I have no emotional reactions to anything except an incredibly intense but fleeting anger. I literally lost the ability to care about anything. Add intense pain that never lets up (for 8 miserable years now) and you have a seriously distorted view of life that you never expected or wanted.

But even stranger than any of that, you discover that your faith which you thought was unshakeable was not only shaken but eliminated entirely. As simply as flicking a light switch but with some profound complications. You soon discover no one believes you or has the slightest idea what you're trying to tell them. Certainly no pastor or holy man has an explanation other than an attack of Satan. I felt that God had abandoned me.

But one thing hadn't changed. I still wanted to know why.

I began reading things I never would have looked at before on the internet (this was 1998.) They would have caused doubt and doubt is something no man of god can allow himself to have or even consider. Doubt destroys faith. It brings guilt and condemnation. It ruins your fellowship with god. Doubt cannot be allowed. But I was already convinced that god tossed me to the dogs and then checked out of my life altogether, I couldn't find him anywhere.

There had to be an explanation and the proverbial test of faith was unsatisfying. Jesus promised to be with me always but apparently he lied or he wasn't talking to me in the first place. So I started reading things; things written by people who were religious but had opposing doctrines to my own. Surprisingly they made sense in some regards even though I never would have considered them before. Gradually, I started moving into the secular realm. Then one day I discovered an atheist blog written by an intelligent young man who had gotten free of Jehovah's Witnesses. I found his deconversion story inspiring and began to seek after others.

A major breakthrough occurred when I found EbonMusings and started reading all his articles. One of them made references to people who had religious alterations caused by brain damage. Several of the case histories he quoted sounded remarkably like what happened to me in one aspect or another. I was amazed that an atheist had such insight into the nature of faith and belief and what sort of physical things could influence it. I began to devour more and more atheistic writings.

When I finally began reading about biblical inconsistencies I knew I had finally found my answer. The bible wasn't the perfect, inerrant word of god that I believed it was. The contradictions weren't there because my understanding was flawed, they were there because the book itself is flawed. Once I was able to accept that, it was no great leap to accept that there is no god, no living Jesus. No wonder I couldn't find him.

I've condensed the hell out of my story because it is extremely complicated and covers several years. I was a true believer, now I'm not. The stroke cut me off from my religion, it severed the emotional and intellectual ties. I stayed away from church and consequently got away from guilt. That right there will free your mind tremendously. I always knew something was wrong with the bible but, like I had been trained, I assumed it was my own lack of understanding. Fortunately I never lost my desire to know why. Studying the writings of people who used reason to escape from Christianity opened my eyes to the truth.

I had a religious "Off" switch. I wonder if you do, too.