Questions Your Pastor will Hate.

Just for a little fun I found some questions your Pastor will hate, written by a former Pastor:

"Who was Cain afraid would kill him when God put him out of the Garden for killing Abel? There were mom, dad, bro and himself on the whole planet at the time." Answer: Cain just wasn't thinking that day.

"Why would God stop the whole earth for a day so Israelites could finish a genocide against the enemy?" I mean, I can see stopping it so there is more time to hug, or feed the hungry, or plant the crops, but more time to kill? Dumb story.

"How come the horses in the Exodus die twice in the Ten Plagues and still survive for Pharoah to mount a final attack against the Israelites, and then die again."

"If Herod killed all the little children under two to get at Jesus, who escaped, can we not say the little children had to die for Jesus before he died for them?" Answer...No we can't, sheesh.

"Why does the Apostle Paul, who writes most of the New Testament, NEVER quote Jesus, tell a story of his life or death, discuss a miracle or teaching?" Answer...Where do you get this stuff?

"Why does neither Mark nor John know anything about Jesus birth, while Matthew and Luke do but tell contradictory stories?" Answer...Because the Gospels are like four people who see a car wreck...

"Why does Paul only say Jesus was born of a woman like everyone else?" Answer...Paul was concerned about the risen Jesus, not the earthly one. He was too busy to check up on the details.

"Did Paul ever spend five minutes with the real human Jesus?" Answer..well no, but Paul's Jesus is the risen Jesus, it doesn't matter.

"Isn't it strange the man who writes most of the New Testament and tells us all how to live, think and believe about Jesus, never met him, while the Twelve who did, vanish into thin air and write nothing?" Answer...You ain't from around these parts are you boy.

10 comments:

Stardust said...

I've got another one...

In Genesis 3:14 it says that God made the snake crawl on his belly because he lied to Adam and Eve. Does that mean that before he did that snakes didn't crawl? Did they used to have legs? (gasp...evolution?)

Also...Why would Satan care if God cursed the snakes, since he was only pretending to be a snake so he could disguise himself? So why did God punish the snake instead of Satan himself?

(I am adding to the humor here, not asking for a serious debate in case someone lurking here gets the wrong idea.)

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

What do Fundies say to these questions, I wonder?

They tend to do the ostrich thing when they are confronted with questions like this.

Some grasp at straws. They put the fun in Fundies.

K7 said...

"Who was Cain afraid would kill him when God put him out of the Garden for killing Abel? There were mom, dad, bro and himself on the whole planet at the time." Answer: Cain just wasn't thinking that day.

His brothers and sisters and nephews and nieces and so on. Or, some see the 6th day creation as different from the 8th. I don't but theologians have debated the so-called pre-adamite vs. Adamites doctrine.

"Why would God stop the whole earth for a day so Israelites could finish a genocide against the enemy?" I mean, I can see stopping it so there is more time to hug, or feed the hungry, or plant the crops, but more time to kill? Dumb story.

Because God kills. Fear God, it is the beginning of wisdom. (The time of the iniquity of the Canaanites had come to fulfillment. God is long-suffering towards man, but He isn't for eternity. As for the genocidal nature of that event it was similar to what occured to Sodom and Gomorra and in the flood; it was a type of the final judgment. It will happen when Jesus returns. Fear God, it is the beginning of wisdom.)

"How come the horses in the Exodus die twice in the Ten Plagues and still survive for Pharoah to mount a final attack against the Israelites, and then die again."

Were they the horses in the field? No, not war or chariot horses. Is murrain a death sentence? Not necessarily, especially in that it was designed to get Pharoah to relent.

"If Herod killed all the little children under two to get at Jesus, who escaped, can we not say the little children had to die for Jesus before he died for them?" Answer...No we can't, sheesh.

Pagans killing children is the way of the Kingdom of Satan. It's one of the main rituals of non-Christians to this day. God is long-suffering toward man's sin, but not forever...

"Why does the Apostle Paul, who writes most of the New Testament, NEVER quote Jesus, tell a story of his life or death, discuss a miracle or teaching?" Answer...Where do you get this stuff?

This is just wrong through and through. I don't know about referencing any of the miracles, but Paul certainly writes of Jesus. If you wonder why he didn't basically write what were already in the Gospels then the answer should be obvious. Why didn't Paul write War and Peace? Paul was given the role of writing the doctrine of salvation. Jesus Himself states what Paul's role is in Acts 9:15.

"Why does neither Mark nor John know anything about Jesus birth, while Matthew and Luke do but tell contradictory stories?" Answer...Because the Gospels are like four people who see a car wreck...

If the Gospels were meant to contain the same material there would only be one of them. They complment each other and have a differnent focus, the one on Jesus as King, another on Jesus as ervant, another on Jesus as man, and another on Jesus as God.

"Why does Paul only say Jesus was born of a woman like everyone else?" Answer...Paul was concerned about the risen Jesus, not the earthly one. He was too busy to check up on the details.

Paul says more about Jesus, but it's important to know Jesus was born as man in that Jesus was the second Adam who accomplished what the first Adam couldn't.

"Did Paul ever spend five minutes with the real human Jesus?" Answer..well no, but Paul's Jesus is the risen Jesus, it doesn't matter.

Yes, he did. Jesus didn't lose his humanity at his resurrection.

"Isn't it strange the man who writes most of the New Testament and tells us all how to live, think and believe about Jesus, never met him, while the Twelve who did, vanish into thin air and write nothing?" Answer...You ain't from around these parts are you boy.

Paul had a rather dramatic meeting with Jesus at depicted in Acts 9. The twelve disciples hardly wrote "nothing". Peter, John, Matthew...?

Lya Kahlo said...

K 7- did you really think we would fall for that?

http://www.thegodmovie.com/clips.php

Paul Manata said...

http://triablogue.blogspot.com/2006/03/your-post-stunk-when-christian-you.html

Lya Kahlo said...

(Stardust - get a load of this)

Tribalogue? *LOL* You're quoting from Tribalogue? Goodness, the time cube guy (http://www.timecube.com/) is more reputable.

Stardust said...

Lya,
This is too funny! ("my mouth salivated") Dinner time soon?
;)

othello said...

Mr. Manata,

John Loftus. "(2) "Why would God stop the whole earth for a day so Israelites could finish a genocide against the enemy?" I mean, I can see stopping it so there is more time to hug, or feed the hungry, or plant the crops, but more time to kill? Dumb story."

Paul(Heil Hitler)Manata"(2) "I can see" is simply autobiographical. It only tells us that Loftus doesn't like the way God chooses to run His universe. Anyway, ANSWER: So they could finish carrying out the just taking of life against criminals who deserved the death penalty."

By this logic and given your self confessed past you should have been executed long ago you racist nazi prick!

Anonymous said...

These are so funny I sent them to all my friends so we could laugh at how stupid they are... Even an atheist could see how ridiculous they are.

Anonymous said...

well done k7
now here are some athiest funnies

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an athiest?

Some one who rings your door bell for no reason what so ever.

Atheist In The Woods






An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.



As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.



His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.



At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"



Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"



"Very well," said the voice.



As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."


Does God Exist?



There were two roommates in college, one a believer and one not. One day they were discussing the validity of God. The believer said to the non-believer, give me five good reasons why God does not exist and we will go from there. The nonbeliever thought for a while and finally came up with his five reasons. He said to the believer, "can you see God?"



"No," said the believer.



"Can you smell God?"



"Not really," said the believer.



"Can you touch God?"



"No," said the believer.



"What about taste?"



"No," said the believer.



"Well can you hear God?".



"Well, ya I can hear God, in the wind and stuff".



"Well," said the nonbeliever, "four out five, God does not exist."



The believer thought and asked for a while to think about it. Finally he came back and said to his friend, "Okay. Can you touch your brain?"



"No."



"Can you see your brain?"



"Nope."



"Can you smell your brain?"



"No."



"What about hear it?"



"I guess not," replied the nonbeliever



"Then can you taste your brain?"



"No."



"Well then," said the believer, "I guess it is pretty obvious. Five out five, you have no brain."



Q. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. We can't know.

Athiest Holiday

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Atheist complained to a friend . . .

"Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter."

"And Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur."

"But we Atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays." "It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"