God vs Jesus 2010

Last night the Touchdown Jesus figure on I-75 in Ohio was destroyed by fire from heaven (i.e. a lightning bolt). Here's my friend and funny man Matt Hensley's take on it. Enjoy.

First, here are the before and after pictures:

A monument to faith. An eternal icon of love and hope. The 8th wonder of the world. It should have stood for generations as a symbol of Christian religious world domination, but in the early morning hours, Touchdown Jesus was viciously attacked and destroyed by God himself. Using a bolt of lightning from the heavens, the 75 feet tall statue constructed from Styrofoam and wood was brutally assaulted, after an argument between God and Jesus, resulting in its total destruction, as well as the death of Jesus himself. Reports are sketchy at this point, but a source that wishes to remain anonymous (good luck with THAT Mary Magdalene, you know God is like Santa and the CIA combined when it comes to finding things out) has revealed that the argument stemmed from an attempted heavenly corporate overthrow of God by Jesus, who’s popularity has risen exponentially over the past 2000 years, along with himself.

Reports indicate that a domestic argument ensued over a corporate dinner: Instigated by Jesus in an attempt to humiliate God in front of his board of directors and cast doubt on his inability to lead, Jesus is reported to have commented on his father’s lack of intervention and compassion on behalf of mankind, as well as his world renowned temper tantrums (“smite those people, destroy these people, flood the earth and make sure everyone comes from one blood-line, I mean SERIOUSLY, you wonder why everyone prays to ME these days!!! You should step down.”), as well as taunted him on his lack of cool statues (“all you have is a stupid painting on a ceiling in Rome that doesn‘t even look like you, and I’m on half the dashboards in America!!). At that point, The master of the Universe reportedly yelled “So, you wanna GO???? I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!!!!”, and transformed Jesus into a 12 year old pond statue 300 feet from interstate 75 in southern Ohio, and then promptly struck it with a lightning bolt, completely destroying Jesus, as well as an amphitheatre attic, In a pillar of fire witnessed for miles by devastated followers.

The Pope could not be reached for comment, as he has been busy forgiving child molesters in an effort to quash the flow of never-ending lawsuits. A statement was issued by Satan through his attorneys’ office, Dewey, Phuckem, and Howe inc: “I saw this coming for a long time, and if you ask me, the kid had it coming. Any child born out of wedlock is never going to take over a corporation like that. Its just not done. plus, he came along pretty late in the game to be running a con on an experienced guy like God. Its not easy working for the big guy, trust me I know!! I tried the same type of hostile takeover years ago, and I had half of the union and shareholders backing me up, and look what it got me. It took years to recover and start my own gig, but business has grown over the years, and with this new instability and the loss of his number 2, I may be able to corner the market. Stocks already took a huge jump when wall street opened. someone better get busy writing the NEW, New Testament, hahahaha. My condolences to his mother though……” I guess there won’t be a second coming, after all.

42 comments:

PhilosophyFan said...

Funny title, but also brings tears to my eyes. Does it make you sad, or shall it only make God sad? If so, could you justify the action to yourself?

Martin said...

Atheists all over the internet are having a field day with this story, styling it as that church having picked the wrong religion. The sad part is that the atheists are obviously joking, but if the lightning bolt had hit a building 50 yards away, the church members would *seriously* be concluding what a miracle it was that the church and statue were spared.

This is exactly the kind of irrational thinking -- not based on evidence, but on subjective interpretations of factual events -- that passes off as arguments for religion.

Fact: someone's cancer goes into remission.

Unsupported, personal interpretation: it was a miracle from God.

Although the probability is low, cancer going into remission is not impossible. In fact, different types of cancer go into remission at different rates, suggesting a deterministic, natural process. If God saved people from cancer, you might expect remission rates to correlate with good deeds or beliefs, not the type of cancer.

And you never see people magically grow back limbs, because that kind of recovery is impossible, not just improbable, and the impossible never actually happens. There are no miracles.

matt the magnificient said...

well i think its pretty funny, and your friend who wrote it is definatley a grade A talented (as well as handsome) man, if i do say so myself. which i do.

PhilosophyFan said...

There are no remission of limbs, then there are no miracles. A ha! Sahll I attack thaat first premise? Maybe later. Pray 'til then, if you will, that your own conclusions are not as those you rail against. But have confidence, maybe you cannot be wrong!

Clare said...

Along the same lines, there was a bus crash in Switzerland recently where 2 Canadians were killed and a lot of others quite seriously injured. The comment on the news later was from some of the surviving passengers that God had spared them, so they were thanking God. They should have asked why did he cause the bus to crash in the first place?

PhilosophyFan said...

Maybe this is why:
33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Or... those who lose their lives shall gain it?????? For ever and ever, amen????? SICK!!!! CRAZY!!!

Anthony said...

The church is not far from me and it really is an embarrassment.

Actually, I don't think Yahweh did it, it was ZEUS! He's coming back friends.

PhilosophyFan said...

did Zeus...claim that at all that he was ever going to even come down to earth?? Well, at least if we wait 1000 more years, we'll be.... one thousand more years sure it's never going to happen? ahaha

matt the magnificient said...

well philosophyfan, i wonder... you say this brought tears to your eyes.... does the same hold true every time lighning strikes a tree, or a home, or a rock?an abandoned building burns down, or a crackhouse in a city, do you also weep? does every inanimate object hold value to you, or just giant statues nicknamed Big Butter Jesus? its not like its the taj mahal, or some other famous and architectually pleasing object. that thing was considered an eyesore by many. even if it had been a statue of Lincoln, or Bozo the clown, other than some dollars lost, this is no great tragedy. its actually quite humerous, if you take an objective look at the irony of it.

matt the magnificient said...

noone controls the lightning, not even Zues. Maybe Ironman. still on the fence on that one.

Clare said...

Matt, I think Philosophy fan was being humerous (sarcastic).
The main tragedy in this event is the amount of money that was spent -I have read $500,000- just for a really ugly statue.
So much for churches giving to the poor. I am sure the poor were so grateful for the statue!

Martin said...

PhilosophyFan:

Umm, no, I never said there are no miracles because limbs don't grow back (btw, what does "remission of limbs" even mean?). That is your straw man.

I said that limbs don't grow back because there are no miracles -- ie, impossible things don't happen. Improbable things happen but religious thinkers have a hard time understanding them.

There's a 1 in 145 million chance of winning the Powerball Lottery, but if enough people play, *somebody* is going to win eventually, and the process is random. We can watch the ball selection on TV. The fact that someone wins doesn't mean God personally selected that person. That is, again, an unsupported personal interpretation, although I'm sure many lottery winners make that interpretation.

There may be a 1 in 1 million chance of cancer going into remission, but millions of people have cancer. *Somebody* will go into remission as a matter of probability. There's simply nothing more to read into it.

It's nice to think we're special and privileged, but there's no rational reason to think this.

Harry H. McCall, CET said...

OH MY GOD!! Jesus exposed! (Jesus is a mechanical robot just like the Terminator!)

[The reason God did this: Touchdown Jesus was viciously attacked and destroyed by God himself. Was because God hates idols!

I’m sure a Jehovah Witness called down “Fire from Heaven!

goprairie said...

Not too long ago, there was a Lutheran church steeple knocked over by a tornado and the fundy churches nearby were 'spared' and they calld it 'the hand of God' showing that the Lutheran church was wrong for supporting gays.

John W. Loftus said...

If there is a hurricane that causes a loss of life or an earthquake that does likewise there will always be a Pat Robertson who will find a reason why God sent this as a punishment on them for their wickedness.

What then will these church folk think of this disaster? Maybe there is sin in the camp and God wants them to repent? Maybe the Pastor must be fired? Maybe the people who voted against this project will say, "See I told you God didn't want us to build a King Jesus."

Such sheer buffoonery knows no bounds.

Robert the Skeptic said...

THOR throws lightening bolts. Keep your gods straight.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Harry H. McCall, CET said...

Hey DM (Demonic Maniac): Looks like the only thing to burn in Hell was your Jesus!!

Bronxboy47 said...

Philosophy Fan,

Is your native tongue English?

Steven Bently said...

Finally some encouraging news from the religious community.

I'm sure they will be taking up collections for a new and bigger jebus, maybe next time they'll have a jesus riding a talking donkey.

EssEff said...

Maybe the churchgoers will cough up enough dough this time to buy the guy some legs.

Isn't it funny how fundies will assume OT style retribution is happening to sinners during hurricanes or other disasters, but when something happens to something of theirs it's just a coincidence.

Anyway, God was supposed to stop punishing whole cities & countries & planets for the sins of some members when he killed his kid then brought him back to life after a weekend in a coma, erm... tomb...

(personally I think God just thought the bloody thing was ugly as sin and smote it because of that)

Leon said...

It proves only that God has taste.

busterggi said...

That's what happens when someone says "Shazam" instead of "amen".

PhilosophyFan said...

You want IRONY??? here's what a DEIST buddy of mine said:

"I love how people ignore that it's a pretty obvious sign from God to remind them of the 'no graven images' part of the 10 Commandments. Instead it's obviously Jesus taking a hit for the community so the churches, houses, hospitals, and trees around it weren't struck!"

I'M LAUGHING NOW. HAPPY???
Btw, WTF does PAT ROBINSON HAVE TO DO WITH GOD HIMSELF?? THE FATHER OR THE SON??

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PhilosophyFan said...

DM, we Love because Christ loved us first =(

God is Love..... =)

matt the magnificient said...

well, DM, as long as there are sandwiches, i'm cool with it.

DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DM said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PhilosophyFan said...

DM, a warning to you, too, so that you won't yourself be tempted??:

You are nothing without love... search the Holy Book for that one in context please!!!!!!! Alas, all scripture IS useful for teaching and instructing...but Satan is the Father of Lies right???? Hate the... and love Thy...

matt the magnificient said...

you said that aleady DM. and for the record, Mickey Mouse had it coming.

Gabriel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bronxboy47 said...

John,

I hope you don't mind if I respectfully protest your decision to shut down comments on your Is The Effort At DC Worth It? post. I've invested an enormous amount of time and emotional energy debating D.S. Harvey Burnett, Marcus, and Grace. And just when things were coming to a head in light of Jeff Schweitzer's article in today's huffington Post, you decide to shut down comments. I really hope Grace, in particular, will be able to read this and give me her response to Schweitzer's article.

Lvka said...

Fact: someone's cancer goes into remission.
Unsupported, personal interpretation: it was a miracle from God.



You mean something like this ?

John W. Loftus said...

Bronxboy47, I plan to post a link to that article soon. And at your request I'll open that thread again.

Bronxboy47 said...

That's much appreciated, John. Glad to see your supervision is not dictatorial. Thanks again.

Ryan Anderson said...

Lvka; one thing struck me regarding the "visitation" of John Maximovitch that you posted. He appeared to the priest exactly as he appeared in the icon. So basically the priest had a hallucination during a time of stree and his brain used a comforting image he already had in his mind, and image he would have seen daily for years.

Not convincing.

Cindy said...

There shall be poetic justice; undoubtedly the insurance company will classify the destruction as an "act of God".

Papalinton said...

Hi John
It was quite a laugh. It is interesting to note this is not the first occasion that the 'almighty' attacked and smite its followers in American history. Many church goers were very disconsolate in the times before Benjamin Franklin and his discovery of electricity in lightening. Many churches were burned to the ground as a result of lightening strikes through church spires. But once lightening rods were introduced [through secular scientific discovery] believers were able to rest easy each Sunday despite nature's fierce storms outside. I thought I'd share that with you and readers.
Cheers

Bronxboy47 said...

Man Beaten To Death By Family. You'll Never Guess Why

beowulf2k8 said...

Are you sure that wasn't just a touchdown Moses with a cross in his lap to confuse you into Judaizing?

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