God vs Jesus 2010

Last night the Touchdown Jesus figure on I-75 in Ohio was destroyed by fire from heaven (i.e. a lightning bolt). Here's my friend and funny man Matt Hensley's take on it. Enjoy.

First, here are the before and after pictures:

A monument to faith. An eternal icon of love and hope. The 8th wonder of the world. It should have stood for generations as a symbol of Christian religious world domination, but in the early morning hours, Touchdown Jesus was viciously attacked and destroyed by God himself. Using a bolt of lightning from the heavens, the 75 feet tall statue constructed from Styrofoam and wood was brutally assaulted, after an argument between God and Jesus, resulting in its total destruction, as well as the death of Jesus himself. Reports are sketchy at this point, but a source that wishes to remain anonymous (good luck with THAT Mary Magdalene, you know God is like Santa and the CIA combined when it comes to finding things out) has revealed that the argument stemmed from an attempted heavenly corporate overthrow of God by Jesus, who’s popularity has risen exponentially over the past 2000 years, along with himself.

Reports indicate that a domestic argument ensued over a corporate dinner: Instigated by Jesus in an attempt to humiliate God in front of his board of directors and cast doubt on his inability to lead, Jesus is reported to have commented on his father’s lack of intervention and compassion on behalf of mankind, as well as his world renowned temper tantrums (“smite those people, destroy these people, flood the earth and make sure everyone comes from one blood-line, I mean SERIOUSLY, you wonder why everyone prays to ME these days!!! You should step down.”), as well as taunted him on his lack of cool statues (“all you have is a stupid painting on a ceiling in Rome that doesn‘t even look like you, and I’m on half the dashboards in America!!). At that point, The master of the Universe reportedly yelled “So, you wanna GO???? I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!!!!”, and transformed Jesus into a 12 year old pond statue 300 feet from interstate 75 in southern Ohio, and then promptly struck it with a lightning bolt, completely destroying Jesus, as well as an amphitheatre attic, In a pillar of fire witnessed for miles by devastated followers.

The Pope could not be reached for comment, as he has been busy forgiving child molesters in an effort to quash the flow of never-ending lawsuits. A statement was issued by Satan through his attorneys’ office, Dewey, Phuckem, and Howe inc: “I saw this coming for a long time, and if you ask me, the kid had it coming. Any child born out of wedlock is never going to take over a corporation like that. Its just not done. plus, he came along pretty late in the game to be running a con on an experienced guy like God. Its not easy working for the big guy, trust me I know!! I tried the same type of hostile takeover years ago, and I had half of the union and shareholders backing me up, and look what it got me. It took years to recover and start my own gig, but business has grown over the years, and with this new instability and the loss of his number 2, I may be able to corner the market. Stocks already took a huge jump when wall street opened. someone better get busy writing the NEW, New Testament, hahahaha. My condolences to his mother though……” I guess there won’t be a second coming, after all.

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