I'm Building a Hotel. Will You Help Me?

I’ve decided to build a Hotel and I am here to solicit your much-needed financial support.

Let me begin by saying that it will be like no hotel you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s going to be a big Hotel – a massive, super big Hotel beyond belief – so big that humans will almost never be able to reach the outer walls and fences of the property. Yes, it’s going to be BIG!

As surely as it is going to be big, it’s going to be expanding in all directions all of the time. We’ll never quit building onto it. It will have many rooms, so many rooms that they will never be used or serve any constructive purpose, but I want to have them anyway. I like empty, unused space. There will be lots to look at…lots of lights and chandeliers and bright ornaments…and they’ll always be running, even when no one is around.

If you call the front desk and ask for a bucket of ice, a couple of extra blankets and a pillow, or perhaps a towel, I may have the items sent to your room…or I may not. I may send 10,000 blankets, so much so that the room can’t hold them, or I may just send one. There’s always a 50/50 chance that I will grant your requests.

Some of the rooms and wings of my glorious Hotel will be either hot or cold. Some guest rooms will have either air conditioners or heaters. Some will have both, but others will have neither. There are rooms in this Hotel that are kept so hot that no human could enter them without being disintegrated. And there are rooms kept so cold that guests entering them would freeze solid in under 30 seconds of exposure. Registering guests have no control over whether or not they will get put in a room with moderate or extreme temperatures. It is based on the accidents of registration that determines who gets what.

You’ll have to prepare yourself when staying at my Hotel as some of the doors and stairwells open to unfinished hallways and rooms. You might take a single step and plummet to your death, so be careful. And once you check in, there is no leaving. You can’t step outside of the Hotel, so make the best of it and try to enjoy the good that there is.

The kitchens in my Hotel are exquisite. There is no food I won’t offer, except in certain places of the Hotel where guests will be left at or near starvation, but for everyone else, there is plenty to eat. My cooks are not what you would expect. They offer such a huge selection of dishes that you have to be careful what you order. My kitchen has herbs and spices and ingredients that are toxic, as well as nourishing and tasty. The cooks might serve you poisonous mushrooms at the breakfast buffet. Only experience can inform you of what foods will nourish you and which will poison you. You can watch other guests get sick and die, and over time, you’ll learn what to consume and what never to consume.

My Hotel does have a maintenance crew, though you wouldn’t know it. When something breaks, the guests usually have to fix it. You can put in a work order to have a door or a safe or your TV remote replaced, but that rarely works. If you want something done, do it yourself! I’ve given you the permission to do as you will. Just so that we’re clear, remember that once it’s done, I want the credit for doing it!

There are no police or security at my Hotel, and so any domestic disputes that arise must be settled in-house by the guests as they set up systems of government to try and keep order themselves. But remember, once law and order has been established by whichever dominant party made it to the top, I want credit for it! I will speak and keep order through that party.

The complaint system is a little different around here—there isn’t one. I hate complainers. Everybody always has something they don’t like, so I don’t want to hear it. It just angers me. If you’re not satisfied with the way things are, that’s too bad. It’s my Hotel. I can run it the way I want.

Guests will be provided with an instruction manual on how to be better and more informed guests of my Hotel. Please try not to fight over how it is interpreted, but use it to show others how to be an effective establishment of good guests.

So…will you help me?

Dig deep now, my dear investors! ☺

Anyone?

Please?

Come on!

No one?

Well, I knew the atheists wouldn’t help me…but you Christians?

Why won’t you help me?

I will operate my Hotel just like your God operates this universe.

How is it you find fault with me, and not with your deity?

I don’t understand...shouldn’t we resemble our Creator in the ways we operate?

Why do I get faulted for doing the same things God does?

I even ask for money like your God does!

Why can’t you support his works by supporting my Hotel?

“Do as I say, not as I do,” huh? Is that how God is? Needless to say, I am very disappointed!

(JH)

14 comments:

ismellarat said...

You haven't proven yourself by curing my bunions and hemorrhoids.

I can spot a fake a mile away.

Joe E. Holman said...

I will prove myself to you some day. Stay at my hotel.

(JH)

ccubeman said...

How's the pay-per-view?

Do you offer, cough-cough, adult selections? And if I get hooked on pron, can you cure me of my addiction?

Joe E. Holman said...

ccubeman said...

"How's the pay-per-view?

Do you offer, cough-cough, adult selections? And if I get hooked on pron, can you cure me of my addiction?"

My reply...

I offer BETTER than ppv. I follow the Bible's example in offering hotel-wide Amalekite Quests. That's where you get to go through the hotel and slay all the husbands and children and keep alive for yourself only the women who are virgins (Numbers 31:15-18)! They are yours! Do with them as you please...if you're a guy!

Beat that, Showtime!

And btw, virgin-defiling cures porn addiction. Not many know that.

(JH)

ccubeman said...

Giggidy

Bluemongoose said...

Ha! I had a good laugh over this creative piece. The writer should read "An Open Letter to Dr. Laura."

It's all about perception; isn't it, Joe?

KTaylor said...

Joe,

Great stuff. You forgot to say that the instruction manual may not be complete in every room. Or it may include instructions for obsolete equipment no longer found in the hotel. It will likely also exclude vital operating instructions altogether (for example, there will likely be no clear instructions on using the phone or calling room service).

Some rooms may have different and contradictory sections; frequently the instruction manual will be in a foreign language that is no longer spoken. It will be up to the guests to get together to see if they can make sense of the instruction manual. But it is expected that after a few years there could be as many as 30,000 different versions of the operating manual in use.

Joe E. Holman said...

KTaylor said...

"Joe,

Great stuff. You forgot to say that the instruction manual may not be complete in every room. Or it may include instructions for obsolete equipment no longer found in the hotel. It will likely also exclude vital operating instructions altogether (for example, there will likely be no clear instructions on using the phone or calling room service).

Some rooms may have different and contradictory sections; frequently the instruction manual will be in a foreign language that is no longer spoken. It will be up to the guests to get together to see if they can make sense of the instruction manual. But it is expected that after a few years there could be as many as 30,000 different versions of the operating manual in use."

My reply...

Beautiful! You're hired as my Assistant GM!

Welcome aboard!

(JH)

goprairie said...

I saw on one of those church signs the other day: "God may let you be torn apart that He may rebuild you". Does anyone believe that crap? I guess I might have once.

Steven Bently said...

Joe,
I'm praying for understanding on how your motel is going to work...lol

GP
Talk about church signs, here's one I saw the other day as I passed in my car;

"God sends us faith, so that we will believe in him"

Almost wrecked my car laughing...lol

I think one of the problems is that anyone can claim to be a preacher or pastor without any qualifications, doesn't matter if you can read or if you are deaf or blind.

All you got to do is profess a belief in jebus and you're in.

goprairie said...

One thing that alarms me a bit is that stuff I used to take for granted as 'normal' now strikes me as pretty insane. It's creepy. We need way more brain research to figure out more of why we allow ourselves to believe 'wrong' stuff.

gustavolk-swagen said...

@ismellarat Cute rat. I have a gray girl rat of 5 months.

I think this article makes an excellent analogy.

Bloviator said...

Goprairie, I second your words. The longer it is that I am from a 'profession of belief', the curiouser and curiouser it all seems. Almost like I was controlled by an outside entity... Hmm, isn't that what they wanted me to believe?

Bloviator said...

Joe,

I just need to know one thing before I check in:

If my room should burn with me inside, or if another guest should kill me, or if a flash flood from the toilet should sweep me away, can I be comforted by the knowledge that my spirit will move to an even more perfect hotel in an invisible land, far, far away?