A delicate situation

For several years my wife has been occasionally attending a local “home church,” usually about once a month. A couple of families take turns hosting the once-a-week meetings in their home, the father of the host home directing the activities with the large families in attendance: Bible study, Bible memorization, singing, and prayer, all of which is followed by a hearty meal. I normally join the group for the meal on days when my wife and children attend. I get along fairly well with the leaders of this home church, even though their worldview is diametrically opposed to mine. We have had some spirited discussions over the years, but we’re all normally quite friendly and congenial to each other.

Disclaimer: I am not a first-hand participant in the story I’m about to tell; I have heard only one perspective, so I cannot claim complete objectivity, but I present the story as accurately as I’m able.

A member of this home church, a single mother (I’ll call her Jane) who was abandoned by her husband about eight years ago, recently started dating another man (I’ll call him John) whose wife had left him and their three children a few years ago. Both John and Jane are fundamentalist believers. I met John at a recent home church dinner, and he seems very personable and successful in his career. In observing them together, I am happy for them: they’re obviously in love, talking about marriage. She has worked so hard as a single mother, baby-sitting and cleaning houses, to provide for her children for so many years, but if they marry, she will no longer bear this intense burden. In turn, John will have someone to help care for his children.

Enter the home church leadership. Their understanding of Jesus’ teachings does not permit them to bless this relationship or the marriage into which John and Jane seem to be headed. They feel that John should make a greater effort to be reconciled with his former wife, even though she was the one who initiated the divorce. Otherwise, if he remarries, he will be living in sin. Not only is the home church leadership not prepared to bless the relationship; they have gone so far as to confront Jane, a longstanding member of the home church, and when she declined to call off the relationship, the leadership excommunicated her.

Of course Jane is devastated by all this: in the midst of one of the most joyous periods of her life, she is sternly confronted and excommunicated by some of her closest friends. John will not speak to the home church leaders, knowing how they have treated Jane. It appears the relationship will go forward, but their joy has been doused by the moral zeal of Jane’s home church.

Now my wife is wondering how to relate to the home church. She feels for Jane and doesn’t understand the actions taken against her, but she wishes if possible to retain her ties with the home church. In discussing the situation with my wife, I expressed my dismay at what the leadership had done, but I did not advise her one way or the other—I felt it was up to her to decide whether to continue her occasional attendance at the home church. So far no decision has been made, and since her attendance was only occasional, perhaps no stir will be caused if she quietly stops attending the church.

Perhaps I have taken the easy way out by washing my hands of the situation. I’m glad Jane will no longer be part of the home church and that she will be free to marry John. I just wish it hadn’t happened, and part of me wants to confront the home church leadership to show how ugly their faith has become. Then again, none of my prior conversations with them about the age of the earth or the reliability of the Bible had any apparent effect, so I’m doubtful they would be any more swayed by a moral confrontation from an infidel like me.

This is truly a lamentable situation. It shows how human compassion can be made to take a back seat to the “righteousness” of one’s firm religious views.

14 comments:

Editor said...

I think the real question is whether your wife will be able to continue fellowshipping at the Home Church in good conscious. The leadership has demonstrated they are too far gone in their petty doctrines to have basic human compassion. If there was any sanity in that Home Church attendance would be reduced to just the leadership and their dutiful wives and brainwashed children by next meeting.

What ever happened to true religion being caring for widows and orphans? Oh, the spouse didn't die s/he only dissolved a legal contract with the State.

T said...

Hi Ken,

I think I've read most of your main posts here back to before you were a contributor and John posted your deconversion story. Quite simiply, I think your non-confrontational approach with your wife must be working well enough, especially if she is only going to church once a month. With my own wife, I used occassions like this to help develop her critical thinking/decision making skills when it came to religion. I would ask questions about how she made her own moral codes in light of her understanding of what was in the Bible. I usually had to reference her to appropriate passages, but she was willing to (for brief periods) examine her beliefs. Eventually, those skills became developed well enough to where she was unable to reconcile the Biblical passages with other contradicting passages. Slowly she came to see the Bible as manmade. However, she held onto her "Jesus is Savior" theology for sometime after this. Again, even this theology was not dispelled through confrontation, but merely me asking questions and pointing to various historical data.

Ken Daniels said...

Thanks for your feedback, db and Toby.

I tend to agree with your take on the situation, db, though it's complicated because we're neighbors and good friends to one of the home church families, and their children are friends with our children.

Toby, that's great news about the direction your wife seems to be taking. I suppose I left out an important detail from today's post: my wife attends a Bible church most Sundays; the home church is sort of on the side, though an important side for her and the children. She is still very much a believer, though I do sometimes see glimmers of understanding as she acknowledges difficulties in the Christian faith and evidence for evolution, for example. And I must say she has been very accommodating to me, not objecting to my skeptical undertakings or confronting me in any way.

Only time will tell where things end up, but I'm content to remain part of a happy marriage, even if we don't see eye to eye. Toby, your story is encouraging--thanks for posting it.

goprairie said...

why don't you all quit the silly church and spend sunday mornings volunteering different places together - find some needs in your community. These can be organized programs like serving at homeless shelters, animal shelters, nature restorations, or thay can be needs you see like picking up litter or visiting people at nursing homes. Then make brunch in one of your homes. while you are volunteering and at brunch preparation and dining, you can have disussions. you will have the social aspect, the once a week or once a month, regular routine to look forward to, a deadline by which to form thoughts for discussions, and you will be doing your community and your families good. i suspect you will find more 'spiritual' and personal growth this way than any church, without being judged.

Unknown said...

ironically, a close friend of mine is going through almost the same thing. He saw his pastor doing things such as the one he described. He talked to several church members and they agreed with him. He confronted his pastor who ignored him so he bought it up in an open letter to his church and he has been excommunicated. He is hurt and pretty much doesn't know what to do since he helped his pastor build that church.

The problem I find with the church is that the "flock" always end up worshipping the head of said "flock" and pretty much listen to his whim. So although, my friend called out his pastor and gave specific examples of what he has down, his pastor shut his argument down with the fact that he helped my friend get an apartment and he is "biting that hand" that fed him.

Like the writer, I kept my mouth shut through the whole thing because quite honestly, it's none of my business and my friend knows how i feel about the church.

I think the writer did the right thing by not saying anything. Quite honestly, there is nothing you can say or do that will change their minds.

ahswan said...

I'll recommend a book by a friend of mine: Healing Spiritual Abuse, by Ken Blue. It's from a Christian perspective, but is totally against the kind of legalism that appears to exist in that home church.

Anonymous said...

That is an excellent book!

Curt said...

This post reminds me of my time as a member of a large Baptist Church in Waco, TX in the late 80s. One Suday evening, the pastor's sermon focused on explaining why he had changed his stance on marriage after divorce and that he would now perform marriage ceremonies for those in this situation.
I left with a head full of questions: A seminary trained church leader committed to daily Bible study and with decades of experience is just now figuring out he was wrong on such an important, life-impacting doctrine? What other teachings of his were wrong? What chance did a layman have of navigating the maze of Biblical interpretation correctly? Why didn't God communicate more clearly on such a vital issue? How many couples had he slighted and confused before this change?
It is sad to read about so many relationships damaged because of dogma.

Bit said...

Ya, God hates divorce, but even in His famous Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5), Jesus didn't hold a victim of infidelity to a marriage. It seems abandonment cross applies (or likely ends in infidelity anyway).

atimetorend said...

It is truly a lamentable situation, I hate when doctrine needlessly divides people. But it would appear there is an upside to the situation in a couple of ways as well. The marriage is going forward despite the desires of the leadership. In that regard it is lamentable rather than tragic. Also, the situation obviously creates a level of cognitive disonance for some of the people involved. It is encouraging they are able to think for themselves.

forkboy said...

I cannot, for the life of me, imagine that this stance by the home church was unexpected.

While I feel for Jane & John, they elected to belong to a church and/or faith that practices such beliefs. And if they elect to not follow the tenets of their faith then excommunication should not come as a surprise.

Ultimately they would be far better served by abandoning all this superstitious nonsense and just moving getting on with their lives. But surprised they should not be.

Chuck said...

The best I can do with these situations is to detach with love.

I've been confronted by many Christians I once agreed with during my days of unexamined faith, but now can no longer agree with.

They are certain of their faith regardless of evidence or reason and I won't budge them.

I asked my wife how her morality is inspired by her Christianity and her response was how inclusive the blood of Christ is in covering sin. I suggested orthodox Christianity contradicts this due to its emphasis of Hell. She agreed but said that isn't her joy in her faith. I suggested she wasn't an orthodox Christian. She agreed with that.

Our marriage hasn't been better since I freely admitted my agnosticism towards Christian faith.

I hope your friends find peace as they travel away from the land of rightous certainty too many Christians occupy.

Peace to you

Anonymous said...

There are many books out there on divorce and remarriage that say it it fine. I would suggest confronting the leadership with the fact that this is a very debatable issue, and for them to make a stand like that is making them the judge and jury. Remarriage in ANY case is never stated as grounds for disfellowship or treating the couple any different from anyone else.

Tell the leadership to get off their judgemental high horse.

Gandolf said...

Curt said..."Why didn't God communicate more clearly on such a vital issue?"

Well there is no faithful folk that would get away with writing another third testament of the bible today,suggesting it to be word of god as others got away with before them with writing the first and second testament.

They the writers maybe should have seen this problem arising,but like they say mostly people get found out sooner or later when telling big porkies.

Yes these situations as described in the O.P ,are very delicate.

Ken said ..."part of me wants to confront the home church leadership to show how ugly their faith has become."

Maybe this person could (try) to show it,but these type folk maybe are not so likely to even bother to listen much anyway by the sounds of things.Maybe the best way there is for them to learn is seeing their church pews slowly becoming more empty.

Even when this person no longer goes to this particular church depending on situations like the size of the town or city where they live etc.Confronting such people who obviously have so little humanity,can still sadly have terrible implications.Sometimes there is just so many ways they can try making life as hard as possible for you.