Christian-Detectors: $9.99 for a limited Time!


“O.K.! We have all had this problem, haven’t we? One neighbor claims to be a Christian, and goes to the church down the street. Another claims to be a Christian, too, but goes to a different church. People at work, at school, and in the media claiming to be a Christian.

“But Wait! A group will tell us that the other group is not a Christian. Even some within the same group will accuse others of not being a Christian. As we all know, Christians wear the same clothes, drive the same cars and have the same retirement plans as everyone else. Sadly, there was no way to tell the difference.

“Until Today!


“We have developed a patented two-part system by which you too can be confident and assured that you have accurately picked out who is a Christian and not. No more awkward confrontations at neighborhood parties. No more troubling questions, sidelong glances or embarrassing slip-ups.

“Image how much more confident you will be walking down the street, easily determining who is a Christian and who is not. You can chuckle when a person attempts to sell you something Christian, when clearly it is not. Expose the lies! Stun your friends and relatives with your pin-point accuracy!

“The first step in this amazing detector is to determine who loves God. As we all know, we can recognize a person that loves God is the one that loves one another and does what is right. (1 Jn. 4:21; 3:10)

“’But wait!’ you say, ‘We all know people that are loving others and do what is right. How can that be enough? Even people who do not claim to be Christians, such as Jews and Buddhists do that.’ And right you are! Up until now that is all we had to rely upon. And, as you very astutely notice, this left us with still the perpetual problem of lack of perception as to who the preserved protected are.

“Up ‘till today, we could only use rough tools by which to determine who the Christians were. Oh, sure, if they were convicted of murder, or drank too much, or beat their wives. Those were easily rejected. If they don’t give enough, or say the wrong words or go to the wrong movies—we could speak with confidence that they were not Christians.

“It is our unique combination of the traditional method and new technology that creates this patented way of determining Christians or not. See, we don’t stop at just the first step. No sirree! We then implement the second to determine with accuracy to the 100th decimal place as to Christianity factor!

“We have recently discovered that if a person loves God, all things work together for good. (Rom. 8:28) By joining this essential second step to the first, we are able to not only eliminate non-Christians by what a person does; but equally by how well their life is going!

“Think about how useful this becomes! Sure, your nephew seems to be living right, and displays some love for others. But is he unemployed? Uh-oh. By applying our Christian Detector, we can see that he is clearly not a Christian. Instantly you can ostracize him with reliance that it is warranted. He is not a Christian!

“Or, if a person is sick and dies—that didn’t work out so well, did it? Or a rocky marriage ending in divorce. A teenage child that becomes addicted to drugs. Don’t you see how easy this becomes? If their life is not going well, clearly it is because they do not love God.

“In fact, using this system, many people make it even easier for you! If they ask for prayer, it is obvious all things are not working together for good. You can stand up, look them straight in the eye and proclaim, ‘You need Jesus, you sinner!’ How can you turn away from that type of assured accusation, especially when we are only asking $9.99?

“Many politicians, and media personalities would pay more than twice this price for this type of self-confidence in making statements.

“’But wait,’ you say ‘Doesn’t that verse mean it may not be good, but it will work out for good in the end.’ How silly is that? Don’t all unemployed people who look for jobs eventually find them? Don’t all people who are divorced have good moments after? Don’t other sick people get well?

“Why, if it was only a situation where things ‘work out’ that hardly gives us any new information, now does it? Amazingly, things ‘work out’ for everybody! No, no, the only way in which our Christian Detector works, is if the promises in the Bible mean more than just fluff that applies to everybody.

“Do you realize what that means? It means the term ‘Christian’ could be applied to a whole variety of people! Because we ALL do right sometimes and do wrong at others. We ALL love sometimes, and sometimes not. We ALL have situations that turn out good, and some that do not. Why—our Christian Detector would come up with results that either everybody is a Christian or no one is.

“And how much confidence is there in THAT? Wouldn’t you much prefer to label others as they should be labeled? And that is the beauty of this two-part system. Rather than worry about how the promises are unique in any way, you can apply this method and come out with results that are backed by scientific research.

“For $9.99 you can not only determine who is a Christian and who is not, but you can do it with such assurance and research that the claim is indefensible by the other person.

“Act now and we will throw in, FREE, this rubber stamp with the letter “I” and a never-ending Red Ink Pad. With this, after determining who is not a Christian, you can stamp an “I” on their forehead for “Infidel” so that not only you, but any other person confronting this heathen will equally be confident.

“Remember, this is a limited time offer.

The previous announcement was a totally unpaid, unwarranted and unasked for advertisement. The owner of this blog neither endorses the use of, nor the implications of the product. The “Christian-detector” is for entertainment purposes only, and its use is limited for that purpose. The manufacturer limits the warranty to those who are verified as Christian post-mortem and positive proof of the same must be made prior to the claim, signed in triplicate by God, Satan and St. Peter.

[Final Note. Before I am accused of rotten interpretation, you should know that the inspiration from this blog entry came from a sermon on Familytalk (satellite radio) in which the person made this exact claim. That only those who “love God” are entitled to having all things work out together for good.]

27 comments:

bb said...

Apparently you are very bitter toward God. You heard it correctly though, all things do work together for good to those who love the Lord. If you dont love the Lord, you may have an okay life here on this earth, but you will not have everylasting life in heaven - not so good to be in hell. You can make fun of Christians all you want (and there are some who claim to be Christians who are deserving of your musings), but it does not change the fact that anyone who does not accept Jesus Christ as Lord of their life will eventually end up in a fiery hell. Do you really want to chance it?

DagoodS said...

bb: Apparently you are very bitter toward God.

Actually, it is worse than that, if you can believe it! I am becoming more and more uninterested in people’s claims about their God, to the point I am writing to entertain myself.

But let’s follow this through—shall we? If you would like to make this claim, can you provide any support? What am I bitter toward God about? My life is quite good, frankly. I have my health, my family is healthy. We have a home, heat, clothing. I have friends.

At the time of my deconversion, I was thrilled to be at church. My friends (were) and family (are) all Christians. I was as happy with life as I am now.

If I was happy before, what happened to me that drove me to be bitter toward God? If I am happy now, what is happening now that maintains this alleged bitterness toward God?

Look, bb, you can say it to yourself in order to maintain your worldview. But can you back it up?

Now, are you saying that Rom. 8:28 is limited to only “working together for good” in the afterlife? That is it? Then what is “working together”? One is either saved or not. What moving part is there in that equation?

What has to be “working together” in order for the after-life to be good? While that is a defense of why Christians’ earthly life and non-Christian’s earthly life appears the same, it renders salvation an interesting concept. In order for you to be in heaven, what are the “all things working together” that provide you the salvation?

Rich said...

OK, I'll buy one but what happens when my never ending red ink runs out? Do you guarentee the product?

Eric said...

Missed one clause in your advertisement:

"Special discount for Secret Police Agencies and Far-Right Fascists: 60% off all orders of 100+ Christian Detectors; This marvelous product can also detect, without any verbal conduct, unbelievers, allowing for pinpoint raids without previous contact or tip-offs! If you want to keep your fascist regime dissident-free, buy the Christian-Detector today!"

"NOTE: Also comes in Islam, (both Shiite and Sunni Detectors!) Jewish, and Catholic! Great for the Ayatollahs, and Grand Inquisitors,= in your family!"

SteveJ said...

Also, there's a special 60-percent discount for Far-LEFT Fascists. (Note to leftists: This means you take the total, multiply by .6 and then subtract it from the total. If this proves too challenging, consult a rational human being for assistance.) Use the detector to enforce campus speech codes, drive Boy Scouts from all public facilities, alert the ACLU of Christmas trees on public land and torpedo qualified judicial nominees with conservative Christian values. Media outlets: Use the detector to ferret out right-leaning Christians, or anyone else who doesn't walk in zombie-like lockstep with the New York Times editorial board. It's fun for the whole family -- that is, if your family happens to be brain-dead, lobotomized or both.

Anonymous said...

This begs the question...What of us who did love the Lord but don't anymore?

Assuming we did once truly believe (and Calvinists would say we didn't I know), how does this theology impact us now? Did only the things that happened to us while we 'loved the Lord' work together for good? And if we 'fell away' then didn't those things in fact contribute to a bad outcome, i.e. our eternal damnation?

The whole thing is so flawed it is comical.

Eric said...

"Also, there's a special 60-percent discount for Far-LEFT Fascists"

I have not explicitly heard of any so-called "leftist fascists" since the Soviet Union, aside from the fact that "left" and "fascist" is a contradiction in terms: The term fascist is by definition far-right.

Yes, there is so-called political correctness and taboo, but that is not governmentally reinforced. The ACLU has actually on several occasion argued IN FAVOR OF Christian organizations.

The NYT happens to be a prestigious newspaper and often its editorials (written by BOTH Conservatives (David Brooks) and Liberals) happen to be very thought-provoking, something I've never heard an evangelical to be.

Your descriptions of "zombie-like" and "lockstep" belong to James Dobson and Bill O'Reilley instead.

John Smulo said...

Interesting thoughts. Though I'm a Christian, I react fairly strongly against some of the same fundamentalist attitudes as you do.

As I'm sure was the case for you at one time, it's hard to imagine the journey you must have gone through up to this point walking away from your faith.

This is my first time visiting your blog. Have you wrote about this before?

All the best.

Raymond said...

"Though I'm a Christian, I react fairly strongly against some of the same fundamentalist attitudes as you do."

Where do we find more of you people? ;-)

Rich said...

I think I get the idea, Dagoods, that you be more inclined to believe in a God that rewarded you for things you did rather than things you believed? Well that's just crazy talk. Who then will be more surprised, the "christian" who thinks that only christians will be in heaven, or the non-christian who finds him/herself there?

DagoodS said...

John Smulo,

Welcome. Have I written on Rom. 8:28 before? Not that I recall. Have the contributors written regarding various positions on fundamentalism? Yes, quite a bit.

If you look to the right on the blog -->

You will see “About the Contributors.” Those are links to the brief stories of how we got here if you click on the name.

Underneath are “Key Posts” which, if you click on, will bring up a list of the posts per author. (Although some of us (me!) are not very good at keeping up to date.)

Many of us have our own personal blog in which we also write on these issues. A few have written books. One has a forum in which he discusses topics of this nature.

What are you looking for? Perhaps we could come up with a link or two for you to review.

DagoodS said...

SteveJ,

I apologize for not being very clear. I found it interesting that “all things work together for good” was associated with ONLY those that love God. Which raised the issue, to me, as to what is means for “all things working together for good.”

In asking the question, I abandoned my normal stoic presentation, and attempted to interject a bit of humor. For myself, if not for anyone else. Granted—not the best communicative tool.

What do you believe Rom. 8:28 means when it says, “all things work together for good”?

DagoodS said...

Rich,

It is impossible for “never-ending ink” to run out. I had the labels specially made to say “never-ending” so that the ink wouldn’t run out. As you know, once something is labeled, it has to be true. Right? The only reason other manufacturers won’t do the same is that they are greedy and want you to keep re-buying ink. *smile*

Rich: I think I get the idea, Dagoods, that you be more inclined to believe in a God that rewarded you for things you did rather than things you believed?

Actually, I am a very simple person. I would be inclined to believe in a God that was more likely to exist than not. Whether that God rewards or does not, or the system upon which it rewards is irrelevant to me.

Whatever form in which it exists, if that is reality, I will deal with it. If it demands a human sacrifice every hour—so be it. It is a God. If it arbitrarily chooses those to reward on some completely random basis—so be it. It is a God. True, my make-up as a human would not like some particular forms of god(s), such as the human-sacrificing kind, but there is a great deal about this universe I do not like, yet accept as reality.

My inclination to believe is based upon plausibility of evidence. I attempt, as best as humanly possible, to remove preference from the equation.

I hold the concept of “God” with a great deal of reverence. It is not some namby-pamby idea of a useful answer in the alternative to “We don’t know;” nor is it some grand warehouse store where we get to pick and choose which items we like, or which items we leave on the shelf.

It is a God. It is a creature, that if it appeared before you, you would kneel, or dance, or die at its whim. There would be no arguing, no discussing, no debate.

I appreciate the story of Moses, seeing God. THAT is a great word picture of what it means for a human to be in the presence of a God. Think of it. God has to hide Moses behind a rock, use His own power to cover Moses’ face, and even then only shows the very perimeter of the backside of the glory of God.

Like being in a lead room, with a tiny pinhole of glass 10 feet thick, and then only seeing a glimpse of a shadow of a person.

Yet such a miniscule brush with a God made Moses’ face shine so brightly, that the Hebrews were afraid of him! Moses had to wear a veil (possibly for the rest of his life) because of this one second encounter.

Now why would my inclination make one whit of difference as to whether such a creature existed or not?

SteveJ said...

Eric:

I suppose the fascist moniker doesn't really fit either side. But fascists did favor big, centralized government, which is more in line with liberal politics than conservative/libertarian. And the real reason you haven't heard the term "leftist fascists" is because people on the political left are the ones more apt to call people names.

About campus taboos, isn't a state university an arm of the government? When the university abridges free speech, it's acting as a governmental entity. And the ACLU's rare defense of Christians is like commending someone who, after kicking a neighbor in the groin 20 times, takes him out for a beer once.

Also, the idea that conservatives/libertarians are all ideological droids while liberals are highly diverse, nuanced and original is slightly less credible than the flying spaghetti monster.

SteveJ said...

Dagoods,

I wasn't commenting on Romans. I think you confused me with someone else here.

John Smulo said...

Raymond,

Thanks for that. Actually, though I can understand if you'd think that Christians who think like this are as imaginary as God, I know lots of them. I've especially found it easy to connect with them online through my blog. Though on lots of other blogs as well.

John Smulo said...

dagoods,

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I wasn't clearer. I was looking for something where you discussed your journey from being a Christian to your current thoughts on the subject. Was it difficult? Gradual? etc.

DagoodS said...

SteveJ,

Apparently I was confused. My blog entry was about Romans 8:28. It would seem your comment was about something entirely different.

Rich said...

Thanks for the response, I also hope you realized a bit of sarcasm there, so very hard as you know to convey in written text.I really believe that God would have to be just and reward everyone equally for following his laws, regaurdless of belief. I agree with you about Moses, wasn't it you that said something about the bible becoming a much richer text when you do away with inerrancy? Who ever that was got it right in my mind, I've never looked at the bible as being inerrant (dodging the I stamp). :)

"Now why would my inclination make one whit of difference as to whether such a creature existed or not?"

I was interested in an insight to Dagoods thoughts on what a God should be like so I meant to probe a little and I believe it worked. I think your only hinderance of getting into heaven is being a lawyer. :) My wife taught law and worked for a lawyer for many years. I still jab at her a bit for fun.

SteveJ said...

Dagoods,

Sorry. I was replying to Eric, who took a shot at "far-right fascists" (even though I'm only a moderate fascist).

DagoodS said...

John Smulo,

Here is as good a place to start as anywhere.

In short, it took 9-10 months. It cost me my family, my friends, and almost my marriage. Yes; it was difficult. I had no choice in the matter. My brain would not allow me any.


Rich,

We have enough history that you should have no fear of offending me! It gave me another chance to pontificate on how weak I see people portray their god. As if it needs their defending!

Really? An occupation keeps one out of heaven? Any occupations that are a shoo-in for entry?

Rich said...

I wouldn't say I fear offending you, Not that I ever try to, but I just realize sometimes sarcasm doesn't come through.
Electrician is a shoo-in, someone has to keep the light on!
I know my position, the believer, has a much harder task in defending my position. A sea of confusion and multiple variations of religions of every flaver, how to find truth. Everyone has it and everyone else doesn't. I just don't see the need for hostility. There is so much we can learn from eachother if we will be open and try to understand each others views. I don't think, in the case of christianity, they fully understand the effect the infighting has on everyone else.
If there is one God there can only be one truth and not thousands of variations. If in fact there are multiple Gods trying to win our support, which is what you could conclude from the state of religion, that to me is a far scarier position for humans to be in. Its much easier here to have civil discussions and thats commendable to you. I say that more for Christians then the contributors of this blog because I think you are extremely aware of this.

John Smulo said...

dagoods,

Thanks for the link. Hope things are better with your family.

paul said...

LOL Dagoods,

Sigh, wipes tear from the corner of his eye. I really think you are selling the wrong thing, sell the rubber stamp. You could actually upstage the anti-christ with it. Just think, what good would the 666 be if there was already a big red "I" already in place declaring esentially the same thing? I also think you could broaden your market to include christians by selling the stamp in first place. Christians already all have christian detectors, so they don't really need your product. But, the rubber stamp, lots of christians love those. You could then pick up the additional market of the regular Joe with the add on of the christian detector. I think you'll make more money, the christian market is big.

Eric said...

1) (Name-calling) Incorrect: Fox News and neo-conservative politicians are more apt to name-call, while liberals focus on the issue at hand and look for a straight answer
2) Yes, I can see where you are going with that, but its sphere of influence does not extend outside of its grounds, and state universities are not often influenced by the government's ideologies (thus far: Christian Reconstructionism has yet to fully gestate). It needs to act as a government, albeit one independent from the federal government. It's decision says nothing about the town or province within which it is located.

ACLU: Perhaps you should look at the individual cases and take a course in Constitutional Law before you bash the ACLU: There are two sides in this debate: Jerry Falwell (Sept 13th 2001) and the ACLU itself. Christianism is not at all concerned with individual freedom.

Are you a libertarian? I think you should know that the current Republican party no longer values individual freedom and fiscal responsibility. The leadership is no longer genuinely concerned about long-term American supremacy and have been blinded by their narrow and destructive ideologies, and overburdened by Big Oil, which prevents them from taking global climate change or oil dependency issues seriously.

On your last point, I think you should examine the constituencies of the current GOP...

SteveJ said...

> Are you a libertarian? I think you should know that the current Republican party no longer values individual freedom and fiscal responsibility.

Eric,

Yes, I'm a libertarian. And sadly, you're absolutely right about the GOP's abandonment of its core principles. No argument there.

dolphison said...

Just look at the first comment that bb posted. bb don't you see that you believe in an evil god? If only those people who accept Jesus go to heaven then that means most people go to hell. That means that God sends most people to eternal suffering just because they were born in the wrong country or had the wrong parents. bb you seem to believe that these nonbelievers deserve this punishment. If all of us nonbelievers deserve eternal suffering than would it not be fair to say that we also deserve death? Do our lives matter a ounce? Nope, not to you. You believe in something truly selfish and evil. You worship a God who cannot look past such a simple thing as a person being born in Iran and raised Muslim. To you and to the evil God you worship this person is tinder for the flames of your hatred. I see both you and the hypothetical Muslim girl as people (confused people) who deserve love and compasion regardless of your beliefs.

I must give bb credit where credit is due. bb has a true understanding of the Christian religion. She understands the basic tenet of the religion: that salvation comes through Christ alone. Most people who consider themselves Christians don't fully understand the consequences of their belief. bb does understand the unthinkably evil consequences of his faith and embraces them openly.